Dear NFL Refs: A Foolproof Plan to Making Better Calls This Season

Dear NFL Referees,

We noticed a growing trend in the NFL that causes us much concern. Several times last season, you were criticized for highly controversial calls which determined the outcomes of games between high-profile teams. Many people were outraged after the Patriots’ overtime loss to the Denver Broncos, and they began blaming you for bias and incompetence. However, we know that the problem is not with your character, and here at Evergreen Podcasts, we think we have found a solution: glasses!

Glasses, you ask? Yes! This simple fix could solve all of the issues that lead to poor calls at game time. We’re sure that with all of the heckling from fans, you’ve probably realized that you are slowly going blind. However, you still haven’t gotten your eyes checked because you’re worried about how you will look on national television each week! To help you get over this ridiculous glasses stigma, we’d like to recommend a movie called How To Marry A Millionaire (1953).

In this comedy, three gold-hearted gold-diggers hilariously attempt to find themselves rich husbands. One of these gold-diggers is Pola Debevoise (Marilyn Monroe). Throughout the film she runs into doors and makes a fool of herself because she is afraid that men won’t find her attractive if she wears glasses. At the end of the film we see that Pola learns from her mistakes after she confesses her fear to Freddie Denmark (David Wayne). When she says that “Men aren’t attentive to girls who wear glasses,” he corrects her, saying that she looks even better in them!

The women at our company would like to assure NFL referees; “Women aren’t attentive to refs who make bad calls.” However, we do like refs who wear glasses! For the benefit of fans and players everywhere, please consider making an appointment with your optometrist as the regular season starts back up. We can’t wait to see what you look like with your new lenses!

Sincerely,

The Evergreen Team

P.S. If you're like us and can't wait a whole week to watch your team play again, we'd like to help satisfy your football craving with this GREENLIGHTReviews "Draft Day" episode about your favorite sport!