414- Navigating Family Relationship Dynamics with Leah Weinberg

Leah Haslage:

Hello, Chillas. Welcome to the Bridechilla podcast, where we celebrate love and help you plan your wedding day. I'm your new host, Leah Haslage, and I'm thrilled to be here with you. For all you veteran Chillas, you know this podcast is all about keeping it real and having fun. And I'm here to continue the good times with occasional check-ins with Aleisha. Whether you're just starting to plan or counting down the days, we're here to help you stay calm, cool, and collected throughout the wedding journey. We've got amazing guests and expert tips for you, so let's get this wedding party started and embrace your inner bridechilla!

Leah Haslage:

Hey Chillas! I'm so excited. I'm here with an OG chilla guest, Leah Weinberg, who is an author and she is the co-founder and partner of Oderberg Law and the book “The Wedding Roller Coaster” is so so good. Thank you for sharing it with me and even though I'm not in the wedding planning process right now, I've been there before, maybe I'll do it again in the future who knows. But it really spoke to me and I love that you're so inclusive and so open and just like you're so warm. What inspired you to write the book?

Leah Weinberg:

Thank you. Thank you so much. Well, I had the book idea originally back in 2017 after a conversation I had with one of my clients that sort of spurred me to kind of think about all the weird behavior I saw. in terms of wedding planning, not only from the couple's perspective, but all the people around them. So whether it was the family, the wedding party, friends, guests, I really and I'm kind of nerdy, obviously. So I really wanted to understand the psychology behind it and why people were doing what they were doing. And it took a while to get the book off the ground. And COVID obviously 2020 happened, I wasn't planning weddings. So I figured this is a great time to finish writing this book. So I call the book my COVID silver lining because I got to write the bulk of it in 2020, pushed it out in April of 2021. And so yeah, yeah, here we are.

Leah Haslage:

So for those not familiar with you, can you just give us a brief background about your history introductory with weddings and you have a law firm with Kunbi, who I love. I heart Kunbi.

Leah Weinberg: So I'm telling everybody I'm having my full circle moment in life right now because I started my career as an attorney. I took a detour to be a wedding planner. So I was a wedding planner for about 10 years. My company was called ColorPop Events out of New York City, and then decided to close up shop at the end of 2022 and started a law firm with Kunbi at the beginning of 2023.

Leah Haslage:

So with your law focus, is it towards weddings or entrepreneurs?

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah, we work with entrepreneurs and given my background in the wedding industry, the majority of my clients right now are wedding professionals.

Leah Haslage:

Okay, that's great. Well, so today's topic is super important. Like you said, you were nerding out with your book. You know a lot about the dynamics when it comes to family and friends, particularly in wedding planning, because it's a whole new world of finding out how people really are.

Leah Weinberg:

Yes. It's very enlightening.

Leah Haslage:

So with that like in your book you talk about five core feelings you should have on your wedding day. What are those five core feelings?

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah I think it's interesting things are always evolving and frankly since even writing my book I've realized that everybody's experience is incredibly different and what everybody's priorities are are very different. So I don't think that there's five sort of core feelings that really are going to apply to anybody anymore. What I do think though is still incredibly critical is for people getting married to take time at the beginning of the process to figure out what's important to them. how they want to experience this wedding planning process, and most importantly, how they want to feel on their wedding day. Because everybody's prioritizing different things and different things are important. And, you know, I think it's important to recognize that everybody's experiences are really different from one another. And so I don't think there's a common theme across how people should be experiencing their weddings.

Leah Haslage:

There's a lot of feelings that come up during this, right? So yeah, it goes beyond five cores, I guess, at this point, if you like really deep dive in that. So with that, like, let's just start off with something that tends to happen. And that's having a jealous family member or friend and how to navigate that.

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah. People have to realize when you're getting married, it's going to almost be like a reflection for other people in your life who may not be at the same stage as you. They might still be single. They might be divorced. They might have had some unfortunate events happen in their relationships and love life. So you getting married, even though it's a really happy time for you, and they may love you, it might trigger some really uncomfortable feelings for them. And one of those feelings might be jealousy. And so I think part of it is giving those people grace. They may not even frankly recognize what's happening. I think it's going to be really helpful for you to sort of be proactive and go into this and say, okay, they're being mean. They're taking things out on me. They're being angry. They're angry about something.

It's going to be helpful to almost be proactive to recognize that behavior yourself because the likelihood of them admitting it or even realizing it is kind of slim. And so if you can understand that and understand where they're coming from and give them grace with that, it allows you to take things less personally. And depending on the situation, the relationship, having a conversation about it may or may not be helpful. I leave that up to people in the individual moment to kind of figure out whether that is the right approach to do things. But yeah, I think it comes up probably far more than people expect in terms of your happiness and your wedding and your celebration really dredging up emotions for the people around you.

Leah Haslage:

And everyone handles it differently because some people project, some stonewall, like some just MIA because they can't handle it.

Leah Weinberg:

So yeah, people might be actively overreacting to conversations with you or they might just ghost you and go completely radio silent or they might be extra cold around you. It's just really important to be observant and notice people's behavior. And then as my book encourages, like you really want to try to figure out what is ultimately going on, number one, so that you can try to help that person if applicable, if appropriate, but also so that you know how to react to the situation.

Leah Haslage:

And if you're the person that, like, if you're listening to this and you are feeling those feelings because you know someone getting married, maybe you're a bridesmaid, groomsman, like, just a family member that's going to listen to this, you know, it's okay to feel your feels and just remember, like, You still want to be happy for them and then maybe use this time as a reflection. Like, I wish I realized that.

My brother is four years younger than me. and he and my sister-in-law got married. He was in his mid-20s, I was in my late 20s, and I was not in a long-term committed relationship. I was nowhere near marriage. I was very single. I went back to school and finished later in life, right? Later in life, but I felt that way at like 28.

I think I was like 28, 29. And I remember being so happy for them, but I didn't realize until in hindsight how depressed I was, like how I just would beat myself up because I wanted to be at that stage in life, and I didn't realize how much it would impact me until that moment, right? Now, everything's fine, cool, you know, whatever, now I'm 41, but you don't realize sometimes until, like you said, it's the mirror, right? Until you get the good news of a loved one, and you're not in that place, like how much it can affect you. So this is a good time to do that like mental health check in. and have grace for the other person. So I'm glad you said like the mirror thing is a great analogy for it.

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah, it really just sort of forces you to reflect and kudos to you for having the self-awareness to understand what you were experiencing in that moment because not everybody does and then it just gets a little messy. I mean, I did it in the moment.

Leah Haslage:

I definitely went on a lot of bad first and last dates just trying to find a partner. Like I really want a serious relationship. I want my person and then like I found myself. And I was like, I can have more than that, it's okay. I want my relationship, but you know, it's not number one priority. Okay, so let's go to parents.

Leah Weinberg:

Because this is even more complicated.

Leah Haslage:

I would say it's far more complicated with the parents. So times have changed, so the parents aren't always paying like they used to, but they do still contribute in different ways. So let's talk about control, especially when finance is involved, because I know it's gonna be a huge one.

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah, the very first, and I know that this is uncomfortable. The money talk is uncomfortable and a lot of people feel like, oh, you know, we got married and now we have to talk about money and it feels gross. And I know I hear from a lot of people that like when they're vendors, the first thing they bring up is budget. We're not as vendors, we're not doing it to be gross. It's literally like as a planner I cannot say yes whether I can help you plan your wedding until I know what you want and how much money you have to spend on it because we can't perform magic tricks and make things cost less than they actually do.

Leah Haslage:

Just because you have a champagne taste on a beer budget. Correct. You can make it happen in its own way.

Leah Weinberg:

Yes, but yeah. So it's an important conversation to have. And so where that money is coming from is also an equally important conversation to have. And when parents or frankly anybody is helping to contribute to the wedding, you have to understand what strings come attached to that. And that's a really uncomfortable conversation to potentially have with somebody that wants to contribute to your wedding. I mean, it can be something as simple as just saying, hey, we really appreciate your offer to give us this much money or to pay for this. We just want to understand what your expectations are in terms of your involvement in the planning process. Like, that is a very just sort of gentle way to phrase it as opposed to like, okay, how much, you know, you're giving us this, how much control do you want over things? But it's such an important conversation to have because then you, as the people getting married, get to make that educated decision of whether you want to accept that money.

So let's say your parent wants to pay for the band and you have that conversation and they're like, well, we would love to be part of the decision making process and hiring a band. Maybe you love music and music is maybe one of the most important things to you. You get to decide, OK, I'm willing to have this parent be part of that conversation or no, we would prefer to pay for the band ourselves. Would you be interested in contributing to like catering and then we can get you involved with the tastings and stuff like that. So asking that question of we appreciate what you've done but we just want to understand you know what your expectation is in being involved in the wedding planning process as a result of giving us this money.

Leah Haslage:

What if you don't get along with your parents or your future in-laws?

Leah Weinberg:

And they're giving you money or just in general? Make it two-parter.

Leah Haslage:

First, keep with the money talk, and then we'll segue to the non-monies involved. You just don't get along.

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah. If they're offering to give you money and you don't have a good relationship with them and you are honest about whether this is going to be a good thing or not, you might need to turn down that money frankly, and this just get your sanity, say your sanity for just your enjoyment of the process, frankly, for the long term relationship, because it could be something if maybe things might you have a sense of things might get better in the future, or you want things to improve in the future. knowing that taking that money in a time when you don't have that relationship might be the wrong move at that moment. So I would say tread carefully if you don't have a great relationship with the person who is offering to contribute money for the wedding.

Leah Haslage:

Yeah, money is one of those things where they can just hang it over your head. And this goes beyond weddings. Like at any point in time, having to borrow money if you're in a hard spot, like that's a... It's a very sensitive topic, but that's why if you don't feel comfortable, I agree with you. If you don't feel comfortable, don't do it.

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah. You have to just, you have to look at the big picture and just weigh the full considerations. Like, yes, we would love to have $15,000 to spend on a band, but no, I'm ultimately not comfortable with the sacrifice that's going to come with that kind of relationship.

Leah Haslage:

Now, what if you don't get along with your parents or in-laws? and there's no money involved, but they have to be there.

Leah Weinberg:

Or do they have to be there? Yeah, that's literally what I was going to say. Do they have to be there? The lawyer in me is about to disclaim here that I am not a medical professional or a mental health expert or a therapist or anything of that kind. So like nothing that I'm getting today is meant to replace the advice of a professional. But in that case, you really have to, again, look at the situation as a whole and prioritize what's important to you and prioritize whatever you want the future of that relationship to be. Because it might be something where the bridges have just been burned for all time.

There's really no reconciliation on the horizon or anything like that. And it might just be that choice of like, I am not going to invite this person. because I want to enjoy my day and I know that it's not going to be possible with them there. Also cautioning people to not use the wedding as that reconciliation jumping off point. Ooh, great point. So somebody who, you know, a parent or even a relative, a friend, anybody who's sort of like, well, invite me to the wedding and then we can sort of like see where the relationship goes from there. That's a really bad idea. I had a client who was estranged from her father, and her getting engaged and the wedding taking place in general started a little bit of a reconciliation process and going to therapy.

She's a fantastic human being and she knew and she drew that boundary from the very beginning and told him. Hey, this therapy, these conversations that are happening now, please understand this is not going to result in you getting an invite to the wedding. So if that is what you are looking for as part of being open to doing this, I just want to set that boundary and make it clear that that is not going to happen. Wow, good for her. I know I was really blown away by that just sort of awareness and ability to draw boundaries. But yeah, I would say be really careful, like don't use the wedding really as a bargaining chip in terms of trying to establish or improve a relationship.

Leah Haslage:

Great advice. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I've never thought of that. Like people do probably want to try to use that as the catalyst to start talking. But then like, what about after the wedding? Are you gonna still want to keep talking or is it more like you just want to be a part of it to be a part of it or exactly like the op?

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah, the optics of it looking good that you're there. And you know, like, if you don't have a solid relationship, we know the wedding process is incredibly stressful. And the day of is just, you know, as much as you plan, and it's beautiful and wonderful and fun. It's also kind of chaotic. And there's a lot of stuff going on. And you have just the personalities of every single guest that's there. And so if you don't have a great relationship with somebody, the opportunity for an interaction to not go well with them on the day of is kind of high given all this stress and everything else that's happening. So it's a big risk.

Leah Haslage:

It does exasperate a lot of mental health issues. So like if you have an addict or an abuser, you know you take that risk and is it it's not really worth the risk yeah yeah yeah so what about divorced parents when you have to work like deal with divisive like you get along with your parents great yeah they don't get along and they have to be there so like what

Leah Weinberg:

What do you do? It so depends on the situation. I would like to think that you could have honest conversations with both sides and just be like, Hey, I need the two of you to be grownups on the day of my wedding and be on your best behavior. And there's varying degrees of things too, because it's like, They, it just might be that they don't really stay in touch, you know, maybe they're not each other's favorite person, but they can be cordial and so like they're okay sitting at the same table. There might be situations where it's like we need them on opposite sides of the bed, not just separate tables. opposite sides of the room.

That's one of those situations where, like, you're giving your photographer notice in advance under no circumstances is this person to be in a photo with this person. Yeah, you're not getting that group family photo with these two people. I think another thing to be really mindful of, too, in the divorced parent situation when it's not, like, just a very friendly situation is figuring out who they are bringing to the wedding and having that conversation in advance is really important.

Leah Haslage:

Yeah, because what if one moved on and the other one hasn't?

Leah Weinberg:

And I've seen that and I've seen the situations where like they weren't, they just didn't like the new person. And then the couple also didn't really want the new person and photos. And so it's frankly about how it's really just about having a conversation with people and then making that decision again, based on the information you get from that conversation of like, okay, Do I need to uninvite this person? Do I need to have stronger boundaries around it? It might be like, hey, you can come, but you're not allowed to bring the person that you're dating or something like that.

Leah Haslage:

If you're a non-confrontational person, how do you find a way to navigate that, because you may not be the first person to want to not only speak up and do that, but like, hey, can we go to therapy and have a third party source help us suss this out? Because if you're really introverted, really non-confrontational, like you, what's a good way to try to approach this?

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah. I think putting it in writing, frankly, like sending an email. I know that sounds really impersonal and seems really kind of passive aggressive. But for some people like yeah, that in person confrontation, like face to face conversation isn't going to go well, or you're afraid you're not going to be able to get everything out. then I think potentially putting it in an email or a letter or something like that, so that way you have time to gather your thoughts. You're not in an emotional situation while having to deliver those thoughts. And you can even just preface the email or letter with something like, hey, I know this is a conversation that I would have liked to have in person, but I just didn't feel like I could have it effectively. And so just call out the fact that you know, hey, this is maybe not the best way to deliver this and maybe not the way that the other person wants to receive it. But this is how I need to do it in order to get my point across.

Leah Haslage:

No, that's great. It gives you a really good way to even take the emotion out of it if you want to, you can really just craft it. suss everything out like, okay, this is how it's supposed to be. Like, this is what I need from you for my wedding planning and day like, no ifs, ands or buts.

Leah Weinberg:

And it's still like, let's be honest, it's still probably going to make you a little queasy to do this and send it to somebody like it's not going to make it any easier because for a lot of people, we don't like these uncomfortable conversations. Anyway, I feel like this is just an alternative because I do believe in how important some of these conversations are. So I want you to kind of find the best way for you to have them and have them effectively. We're not going to erase the discomfort of having the uncomfortable conversations, but let's figure out the best way for you to have this conversation effectively.

Leah Haslage:

Another uncomfortable thing could be your parents are divorced, you get along with them great, they don't get along, but one is offering all this money towards the wedding and the other one can't afford to. That's ugly.

Leah Weinberg:

Yes, I've seen that where they sort of want to compete with each other. I mean I've even seen that sort of too from like the families of the two people opposite sides of the two people getting married kind of wanting to compete with each other. And so yeah, that again, it's that step one of assessing the situation and is this money that we want to accept? What's coming along with accepting this money? And part of that decision making process then becomes, well, accepting this money is going to alienate the other parent. And so do we want to do that? And then there comes a conversation with the parent who maybe isn't able to give as much and just sort of say like, hey, we understand, like, we don't want you to feel like you have to keep up with them. Like, let's just move on separately. Like, we're going to take that money, but we don't want that to be a reflection of you or how we feel about you or anything like that. I really do believe that communication is like one of the best ways to solve any problem. It's not going to solve every problem. But it's how you start. It's how you start to try to solve problems. Because without open, honest, polite communication, you're just, it's just, we're just stuck.

Leah Haslage:

Well, and this is also a start and a reflection of how the rest of your marriage is going to be also. Because you're still going to be dealing with these family members and friends. It's just going to be a different kind of dynamic. The wedding planning and the wedding day is just a super heightened dopamine hit basically of all the family and their feelings. So but you're still going to see them at Christmas and Thanksgiving and whatever holiday you celebrate, right? Vacations, whatever it may be. And so how you do it now, you're kind of going to have to nip it in the ass because it's not, you have to figure out a way to do it later on anyway. The problem isn't going to go away. It's just going to morph and manifest itself in a different way.

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah, this is like setting the stage for how you're going to approach things in the future. So like being practical about it, being thoughtful and intentional about it is going to just re it's going to be uncomfortable and unpleasant in the moment. But like, as we're telling you, it's going to help you so much in the future if you can just kind of like take a pause and just really think through things objectively.

Leah Haslage:

So we talked about jealousy in the beginning. It's kind of go back to that with going to friends, because now it's time to pick your bridal party if you want to have a bridal party and so there's a lot of pressure for like how many do you want to have and do you have family members do you have your college roommates or you know sorority and frat brothers and we talk about sports teams on here like they're you know people have been in sports forever like you become like families and what's the best way to navigate this because you're gonna end up pissing somebody off anyways because they weren't included Or they weren't maid or matron of honor.

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah, this one is tough because there's so many different ways that it could go and so many variables. I mean, I guess the long story short is maybe to not have a wedding party at all, although I know people aren't going to really like that advice. I'm not somebody who does stuff out of obligation. It took me some years to get there in my life. But for example, for my wedding, I'm an only child. My husband has a sister. I did not ask his sister to be a bridesmaid. I know plenty of people who will include their partner's siblings in their wedding party because they feel like that is what you are supposed to do. So I am, again, I'm not a big person on obligations, so I didn't do that.

Leah Haslage:

Did you have a bridal party?

Leah Weinberg:

I did, yeah.

Leah Haslage:

How many did you have?

Leah Weinberg:

I had five. I had five bridesmaids, I think. I mean, I included her in stuff like the shower and all that, but we didn't have a relationship. And so I'm just like, it wasn't out of any meanness or anything, but it was just like, I don't really have a relationship with you. I don't want to make you do this. It's just going to be me and my friends. I also don't think you're going to frankly have a very good time. So I didn't, I didn't include her.

I never heard anything about it. We have a pretty good relationship today, so I feel like that's... So there's no negative animosity? Yeah, I don't feel like that's anything she's holding against me. But yeah, it is hard. I mean, I had some people, like, most of my bridesmaids were people from later on in life. I didn't really have any childhood friends. Most of them were people I went to law school with. Um, the person who, like, set up me and my husband, she was part of it. So, it is hard because you're essentially ranking people and that doesn't feel good. Let's be honest.

Leah Haslage:

Do you remember MySpace? Do you remember the MySpace days? You had your top eight and you were so offended if you weren't in someone's top eight.

Leah Weinberg:

Exactly.

Leah Haslage:

This is like the century old version.

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah, so you have to understand that like what comes along. Again, it's always this awareness of the consequences of your choices at your wedding. So it's like, do you have a wedding party and do you ask people with the risk of offending certain people? Do you just decide not to have one at all? And then you're still going to make people mad if you don't have one at all because they were still thinking they were going to be invited. So it is a very complicated thing. I would suggest people sort of stick to who they feel very strongly about. And I would encourage you not to do things out of obligation. I know sometimes there's going to be obligations. Family is going to pressure.

Leah Haslage:

Like you need to add your third cousin from your dad's side because it's like, we don't.

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah. So again, it's like boundary drawing: what's worth it for you, what's going to impact your day. And so yeah, it is, it's tough. Like I'm not going to sugarcoat that for you. It's a tough decision. And yes, you are picking, you're picking your like top eight and making it very public as well.

Leah Haslage:

Yes. Very public and the money that gets involved then. And so what do you do if someone either wants to drop out of the wedding, or because again, there's jealousy or there's finances, whatever the case may be falling out. Or if you're like, I fucking had it with you. Yeah, I want you out of here. Like, how do you handle either of those situations?

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah, if somebody wants to drop out, let them drop out. It's worth a conversation just to understand what's going on so that you can kind of like, again, if this is a friendship or relationship that you want to maintain in the future, then it's worth understanding what is going on. But like, don't force somebody to be there who doesn't want to be there. And the conversation is helpful, because if it is a money situation, then it might be something where it's like, oh, you know, you don't have to come to this, or I'm happy to cover the cost of this for you. So that can help you understand that. If you have to fire somebody, it's about having that conversation in the nicest way possible. I feel like it's one of those, like, “it's not you, it's me” situations. But that's kind of hard. I mean, it's kind of hard in this case.

Leah Haslage:

I know. It depends on the relationship, too. Like, how long have you been friends? Or is it just like an acquaintance of a couple years that you kind of bonded? Is it a family member? Because that would suck.

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah. It's going to require a very delicate conversation. It also requires that analysis too of like, can I, can I just put up with this for the rest of this period of time? Like, is it something that I can just suck up and deal with? I don't want you to have to do that, but I understand that practically speaking, like sometimes we're going to have to go down that road in order just to like keep the peace. So if it's something that you can just deal with, then maybe you just deal with it and try to figure out how to kind of limit the interactions or that person's involvement. But if it really is something where you've got to just, they've just got to go for your sanity and peace of mind, have as delicate and polite and sort of like positive a conversation as possible. Like that's going to suck. We're not going to sugarcoat that at all. That conversation is going to be awful. It's going to be terrible. But you've gotta do it. Can you do it via email or text? Ooh, that's a tough one. That one I feel like that's like breaking up with somebody via email or text.

Leah Haslage:

Especially if you're non-confrontational.

Leah Weinberg:

No, I think this is gonna have a... I feel like this is... I feel like that's gotta be a conversation.

Leah Haslage:

And FaceTime if you don't live in the same area.

Leah Weinberg:

Like... Yeah, that has to be a... that has to be a conversation. Yeah. Sorry.

Leah Haslage:

I mean, this is that really bad of a breakup. Like, they cheated on you with another friend or something. Like, I don't know.

Leah Weinberg:

But they'll be like, the thing is, if you're that miserable, then they are probably that miserable, too. And so you're almost doing them a favor. Hopefully, you're almost doing them a favor by just bringing it up because they're probably like, oh, I don't really want to be doing this either. But they're non-confrontational and don't want to have awkward conversations.

Leah Haslage:

So, yeah. And they could have been feeling that way from the beginning and just never knew. Like, they felt obligated to say yes to being in it. Yeah. So boundaries. Yes. A lot of people don't know what they are. I finally learned what they were with my divorce. So I'm just catching on. But people like to overset boundaries a lot in wedding planning. In hindsight, I remember certain times in mine that it's like a person got really bossy with me over something that they had no reason to be, right? So in the wedding planning process, where do you draw the line? How do you set your boundaries and make it clear?

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah, you have to figure out your non-negotiables and what is OK, what is not OK. One of the things I talk about outside of the wedding planning context when I talk to business owners about how they set boundaries, I say, what gives you anxiety? What happens that gives you those butterflies in the stomach or like sends your heartbeat racing like what gives you anxiety. And then the key is that those are the things that you have to draw boundaries around.

So like let's say if you are getting married and you're picking out attire and you know that anytime somebody comments on like what you've chosen to wear or how you look or something like that if that makes you ill like sick to your stomach or makes you want to punch somebody in the face like that is a boundary so it's like hey I'm not inviting anybody to like shop with me or I'm not inviting anybody to fittings making it clear if somebody does make a comment like hey nope we're not commenting on that today like this is off limits. And so figure out what those things are. Even between you and your partner, if it's kind of like we're constantly talking about wedding planning, and this is just getting so overwhelming, then maybe the two of you need to draw a boundary that's like, hey, we're just going to designate certain days of the week or nights that we're going to talk about this. And then we have this agreement that we don't do it any other time.

Leah Haslage:

I think it's super important and I know a lot of people that have used that effectively, like it's been helpful for the relationship.

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah. If you don't want people commenting on money, like if a parent who maybe the parent's not paying for it and you're paying for it all yourself and the parent's like, oh my God, how much money did you spend on your photographer? Turn around and just be like, hey, this was our money, this was our decision, this is what we felt was important and you know, we're not accepting your input. at this point in time. We are closed. We are closed for your opinions.

Leah Haslage:

I think this is also why it's important not to tell people all the things. Correct, yeah. You don't want people to be surprised on your wedding day. You want them to kind of come in like surprised. I think, to your point, when people start getting things in their head or you start showing them, now everyone wants to have an opinion. Why are you doing this color? Why are you doing that cake? Why are you doing cake? Yeah. It's always something.

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah. And so, and too, yeah, it's just really about like figuring out, okay, what is making me uncomfortable? What's causing me anxiety? What's not making me feel good? And then we're putting a stop to whatever that behavior is or having conversations in order to modify that behavior. So like if a parent is paying for the photographer and they don't understand why you're picking who you're picking, And they didn't say, hey, we want to choose the photographer with you. Then it's about having that conversation of like, hey, we really appreciate that you gave us this money for this photographer. We really like this person. We like their style of work. We really got along with them. Well, we want you to sort of accept this as our decision and know that we know that you will be as excited with our wedding photos as we are.

Leah Haslage:

Yeah. If you're naturally a people pleaser, what's a good way to try to kind of rein that in and put yourself in check?

Leah Weinberg:

Self-awareness, so knowing that you are a people pleaser is the first step to stopping people pleasing. That's true. This whole wedding planning process, to navigate it in a really healthy, thoughtful way, requires self-awareness on a lot of fronts. What triggers you, how you behave, how you're coming off to other people, like how you're coming off to your family members or how you're coming off to your vendors. Like you have to have that self-awareness. So understanding and knowing that you are a people pleaser is very helpful. This is actually a piece of very practical advice.

I'm making this off like a couple of experiences of my own. If you are a people pleaser, you're not gonna enjoy your wedding. And I say that, I know that's a very hard truth, bold definitive statement because I've seen it and what happens to people pleasers is they never tell anybody what they actually want. And so the wedding day comes and something is not how they actually wanted it and then they're unhappy on the back end. And it's all because they never actually spoke up and said, this is what I want. I've had people who, planning the wedding, their thoughts on something was the same thoughts as whoever the last person they talked to was. So these are the songs we want to have played. And they talked to their partner, and their partner wanted this. But then they talked to their parents, and their parents wanted to make sure these songs were in. And then they talked to their friends, who were like, oh, you have to have this for a great dance party. Meanwhile, the person doesn't actually like any of that music, but they're just passing along these other recommendations from people, and then they get to the wedding, and they hate the music, and they don't spend a minute out on the dance floor. Not that specific example, but I have seen this happen.

Leah Haslage:

I believe that. It's going to bleed into your relationship, too, down the line. The wedding day is your wedding day. Yes. You're planning one great party to celebrate your love.

Leah Weinberg:

It is a whole long future ahead. So please, and just also to like, people aren't mind readers, as much as we want them to be. I mean, I think that comes up a lot in relationships. I've, you know, had my own revelations about that in relationships and needing to tell people you have to tell people what you actually want, and if it's gonna cause a conflict or a disagreement or even just conflicting opinions on taste or something, have that conversation to work it out and to compromise. But trust me that if you don't actually speak up and tell people what you want for your wedding day, you're not going to enjoy your wedding.

Leah Haslage:

And we're not saying be bossy, we're just saying politely, you know what, that's a great idea, I'm not really into that, so I prefer not to have it because, you know, it is our day, not your day. Like, a lot of people think it's their day, too. They like to think it's not just, you know, the bride and groom's day or groom and groom, like the couple's day. I like to think as the family member or friend that it's also their day.

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah. And that gets into like, it really depends too, like in certain cultures and just even family dynamics, like community is really important. Like that's a whole part of my book too is like understanding what the community expectations are, because sometimes there are going to be those expectations. So it's about, again, balancing everything, staying true to yourself, figuring out what you can give on, what you can't give on, what's important. Like it's all about the conversations. But just overall, if you don't sort of speak up and let people know what you want for your wedding or what's important for your wedding, you're going to have regrets about things that you didn't get to do for your wedding.

Leah Haslage:

On a positive note, what are some fun, creative ways that we can incorporate and include our family and friends?

Leah Weinberg:

Figuring out what they like, I think, is a big thing. It's sort of playing to their tastes and their strengths. Like, let's say you're cool with people coming to help you shop for your attire. You have a friend that's, like, super stylish. You love their vibe. That's the person who you're like, hey, you're going to come with me to, like, go pick out my wedding day outfit. Or you have a friend or a family member who's super into music. Hey, will you come with us to these showcases while we go and see bands? And maybe it's like individual tasks like, oh, we're putting our favors together. Do you want to come over one afternoon and hang out and do this? It's so easy to get people involved. This is not and to be clear, this is not about making them do the work that vendors should be doing. Like they're not like maybe you have somebody who likes doing flowers like don't make them DIY your wedding flowers. That is not what we're saying here.

Leah Haslage:

But they could help out with the shower. Correct.

Leah Weinberg:

They could help with the shower. But yeah, don't make people replace actual vendors that you're supposed to hire. But figure out fun ways to get them involved in ways that they want to be involved, in ways that they're excited about, so that they don't feel like they're being put to work, but that they do feel included in the process.

Leah Haslage:

I love that. So what is some final advice for today on dealing and navigating family and friend dynamics when wedding planning.

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah, the two big things are number one is understanding what's really going on. Like figure out how to understand what is really happening because a lot of times whatever the thing is that's on the surface, whatever that initial reaction is, that's not really what the thing is about. I tell my favorite saying, it's from my book, it's not about the fried chicken. You'll read the book, there's a story about a dad getting upset over fried chicken and it had nothing to actually do with the fried chicken. It had to do with the fact that his youngest only daughter was going off and getting married and he was having some feelings. But yeah, it's just, it's not always about what it is on the surface and if you're going to navigate it, you have to really understand what's happening. And then my second thing, we've talked about it already, but the communication piece. So much of the stuff that comes up when you're planning a wedding can be navigated and a lot of times solved by just having open and honest communication with people.

Leah Haslage:

That is all excellent advice, especially communication. Cannot stress that enough. Like we said, it goes beyond the wedding day. This is like your test. The wedding day is like your test. If you can get through that, you can communicate about a lot of other things.

Leah Weinberg:

Exactly. It's really good. I mean, it's just good practice for the rest of your relationship and dealing with people in general. Like you're going to learn really good, helpful skills planning a wedding that will serve you outside of the wedding context for the rest of your life.

Leah Haslage:

My last question for you is, what is your all-time favorite celebrity wedding?

Leah Weinberg:

I knew you were going to ask this question, and I was racking my brain because I'm not the like, I'm not the super into celebrity weddings. But I came up with one. So I'd have to say Serena Williams because I absolutely love her. So I felt like that was, that was one that I was super into. But yeah, in general, I'm not totally into all the stuff. Like I look at the pictures and stuff like that, but I'm not super into it. But yeah, so my favorite celebrity wedding would be Serena Williams.

Leah Haslage:

That's a great one. I think she really kind of helped bring the cape trend back into the fold. Very cool. Well, thank you so much for all the advice and hanging with us today, Leah. Where can we find you?

Leah Weinberg:

Yeah. Well, first, thanks so much for having me. And if anybody needs to find me, I am on Instagram @theleahweinberg. And if anybody listening is a small business owner or entrepreneur that happens to need legal advice, My law firm is Oduberg.com. And also please just shout out for the book. The Wedding Roller Coaster is available on Amazon in print and Kindle format. So would love to hear everybody's thoughts if you get a chance to pick that up.

Leah Haslage:

I highly recommend it. Thanks again, Leah. And we will all definitely see you soon.

Leah Weinberg:

Yes. Thank you so much.

Leah Haslage:

Thanks for joining us today! Be sure to subscribe wherever you get podcasts so you never miss an episode. Give us a follow on social media and visit thebridechilla.com. To leave a question you'd like to hear answered on the show, head to speakpipe.com/bridechillapodcast, also linked in the description.

Bridechilla is a production of Evergreen Podcasts. Thanks to our producer and engineer, Gray Sienna Longfellow, and our executive producers, Brigid Coyne and Gerardo Orlando. And of course, a special thanks to Aleisha, our OG bridechilla, and Megan Ely of OFD Consulting. I'm your host, Leah Haslage. Until next time, Chillas!

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