415- Wedding Q&A with Aleisha

Leah Haslage:

Hello, Chillas. Welcome to the Bridechilla podcast, where we celebrate love and help you plan your wedding day. I'm your host, Leah Haslage, and I'm thrilled to be here with you. Whether you're just starting to plan or counting down the days, we're here to help you stay calm, cool, and collected throughout the wedding journey. We've got amazing guests and expert tips for you, so let's get this wedding party started and embrace your inner Bridechilla!

Hi! How's Australia treating you?

Aleisha McCormack:

It's going well. Look, it's chilly but it's great. The opposite of your world. I'm in a big cozy jumper. I'm drinking coffee, you're drinking wine.

Leah Haslage:

I'm drinking wine, wearing shorts.

Aleisha McCormack:

No, it's great. We're doing one of my favorite episodes. Q&A episodes are so exciting to me because we get to speak to the bridechillas, the groomchillas, all of the chillas and learn about their problems most likely. But also, in learning about their problems, we can help solve them.

Leah Haslage:

That's the hope! And I'm really excited to finally get to do this with you because the Q&As are some of my absolute favorite Chilla episodes. Like, so good. So I'm excited to sink our teeth into these questions and help all the Chillas out there. So, like, as a disclaimer, because it's been a hot minute since, you know, you've done this and Chilla's been around. Some of these are, like, they're archival right now. But, unfortunately, the problems don't always end.

Aleisha McCormack:

And they also just find a new way to recreate themselves in a different way. And I think if we were doing this podcast in 1986, which would be revolutionary on so many different levels, the problems would probably still be the same, just in a 1986 sort of way, you know? So I feel like people don't change. But I always find that, yeah, you can relate things back to your own personal experience very easily. And that's why I think Q&A always works, because you listen, and I even listen to some of the past episodes and go, oh, I relate to this on so many different levels in my other outside life, wedding life, with some of the problems. So I think you can get lots from it.

Leah Haslage:

Especially when it comes to family. Oh, boy. Oh boy. But if anyone wants to have their question possibly on the show, the lines are open. You can head over to speakpipe.com/bridechillapodcast.

Aleisha McCormack:

Oh my gosh, send in all of your problems. Or problems, or it doesn't have to be, actually, I want to say it doesn't have to be problems. It could also be solutions. It could be an anecdote about how you became a Bridechilla, or you are chilla, or you're not chilla and you want to be chilla. I just think all this sort of stuff is good feedback.

Leah Haslage:

Yeah, if you just want to give us your take, your hot take, feel free to let us know because we want to hear it.

Aleisha McCormack:

Maybe you saved a lot of money. Maybe you spent a lot of money. Maybe you borrowed a lot of money. I always think these are good topics to talk about. But maybe you have a question that you would like answered.

Leah Haslage:

Maybe you blew so much money and you're like, please don't do that. Don't make my mistake.

Aleisha McCormack:

Yeah. Confess.

Leah Haslage:

Let's get to our first question, which is from Kristen.

Kristen, Guest Caller:

Hi, Aleisha. My name is Kristen and I live in Atlanta, Georgia. And I have a quick etiquette question for you. I've been engaged for about two months now and I had to pump the brakes on wedding planning due to all the moms in my life and their opinions. Ugh, fuck, I know, right? While I'm thankful for their input, it's just a little too much. My fiance and I are wanting a smaller wedding, maybe 25 people or less, but we both come from large families. So how do we go about notifying the rest of the family when we're getting married, where we're getting married, I just know there are members of our families that will be waiting on their invites to arrive in the mail, but they just won't be arriving. We thought about doing a destination wedding to allow for the guest list to downsize on its own, but the people who we want there the most can't travel long distances. We are even considering doing a virtual streaming of our ceremony, but then my brain goes to, okay, well, do we need to send virtual invites? Just lost at what is the right thing to do? What is appropriate? Do we rely on the moms to tell everyone and deal with the heat of not being invited? Do we send out quote-unquote we eloped cards after the fact? I don't know. I thought about creating a wedding website and explaining the smaller guest count due to coronavirus, but I feel like this may be too impersonal. I don't know. I feel like we're already hurting feelings by keeping the guests list small, which goes back to the mama drama. But I wonder if it was to feel like they aren't being left out of the celebration. Any insight or advice you may have would be amazing. I'm sure I'm overthinking a lot of this, which is typical me, but you know, it'd be great to have a non-biased opinion. Thank you so much for everything you do. I truly love the podcast and you, you are a godsend. Oh, thank you.

Aleisha McCormack:

Happy days. Oh, Kristen. I mean, look, Kristen, can I just firstly say there is nothing overblown or overdone by her reaction and what she just said. She was very calm and it made a lot of sense.

Leah Haslage:

Absolutely. I think an overall thing is no matter what, unfortunately, you're going to piss somebody off. Of course. You're going to hurt somebody. You're going to piss somebody off. So just know at the end of the day, you can do everything you can to try to make everyone happy, but you're not going to make everybody happy. just prepare yourself for that as hard as it is. Yeah, I totally agree. That's number one. Yeah. Everything with the wedding planning.

Aleisha McCormack:

It's funny, even though our world has very much changed over the last few years with, you know, obviously there was a mention of Corona and COVID and the fact that it's still around and people are still getting sick and this is still a reality of our life as well. But what's very interesting to me is that the mums are still stuck back pre-COVID. And I think this is a really big point to make. and keep making it. Our world changed, but how quickly we can forget it changed, and we're just going to revert back to how it was. I've been to a couple of really beautiful intimate weddings, and that's below 50 people, and that's probably what I'd call intimate now. I'd actually call an intimate a 20-person wedding, to be honest. it's changed a little bit. I like that we've sort of been almost, our hand has been forced a little bit to have smaller celebrations, or at least given us an excuse to do it. So I actually think, Kristen, standing by that for both health, financial reasons, and also just having an opportunity to do something you want to do, although challenging, and we'll discuss the mum stuff, I just want to applaud you for saying, hey, we're going to do something that we want to do, and we're going to try and stick to our guns, because that's tricky. That's a hard decision to make. So tricky.

Leah Haslage:

I agree with you with intimate weddings being more and more popular, especially since COVID times happened. I think it did give everyone an excuse to say, oh, thank God, I don't want a 200 person wedding. Like, I don't want to invite my parents, co-workers or my cousins.

Aleisha McCormack:

Because I don't know 200 people. Yeah.

Leah Haslage:

Yes, that has been a long standing tradition in some ways, right? In some cultures, it will always be a tradition. That is what it is. That's a separate topic. But people like introverts, for example, like they don't want the big show, right? So this, I think between coming out post pandemic and the economy globally, I think it really helps to kind of give light on that. Like, it's okay just to keep it what it's meant to be about, right? Like, it's about your relationship and making this commitment and the blending of your families. And if anyone loves you and cares about you, they're going to understand, they should understand, if you can't invite them because you can't afford it or you just want a 20-person wedding and not a 50-person wedding. Yeah, it's your choice. So Aleisha, what do you think is the best way Kristen and other couples dealing with the situation should approach it?

Aleisha McCormack:

Well, I do think, you know, if we look at any benefits of what's come out of the last few years, you know, and it mentioned the virtual wedding, which is far more advanced than it was when we were just holding up Skype on a phone four years ago. We've got a lot more technology. It's a lot more the done thing now to be able to share events with people all over the world via the world of video. So I think that's a viable option for her. Also, you're probably no doubt getting photos and wedding videos taken. So you can share that with them later on. My gut says as soon as she mentioned, Kristen mentioned that getting the mums involved to tell people about it, I was just like, whoa, don't do that. You should control the narrative. Let's go back to succession and go, what are the optics here? How do you control the narrative? Well, the narrative is you tell people why you're having a small wedding or you don't have to provide any fucking explanation at all. It's just like, hey, these are the people.

Leah Haslage:

Isn't that the most frustrating thing with wedding planning is everyone wants an explanation for why you want to do what you want to do. The fuck? Like, that is something like, OK, I'm having a reaction because I'm having a flashback from planning my own. Like, no, I don't have to tell you shit about anything.

Aleisha McCormack:

The mum comes through and goes, now Aunty Glenda wants to know why her son, a weird cousin Peter, wasn't invited to a wedding. And it's like, I don't have to give you the fucking full feedback. Right? I think the wedding website, you know, I mean, get Chat GPT to write something for you now. Let's just do that. Here's why you're not invited to my wedding. Boop. It's printed out, done. I just think, you know, the wedding website's good, but it also then might attract attention to the people that aren't there. Do you want to receive gifts? Probably not. You're not asking to do that. So, I mean, look, I just think it's probably just saying we're having a small, intimate wedding with this many people. It's not about not being, making a list on, you know, what is important, more important, because people will always go on track and make it about themselves. So maybe it's, I don't know. What do you, what do you think, Leah? It's just about sort of being honest without being too honest.

Leah Haslage:

And that's going to be the theme today. Tough love. Yeah. Some are gonna lovingly be like, you know what? I completely understand weddings are so expensive. I'm just so happy for you. And they're still gonna send you a gift, right? I'll share a personal experience, like not to talk about myself and make this about me, but like just to kind of share what I've been through. I had a two-cousin situation with my wedding. I had one cousin I did not invite, but his ex-wife and his daughters were invited. But I'm not close with him. I'm close with the girls, you know? But he still sent a gift, which was very kind of him. Very lovely, right? The other side of the family, I had a cousin whose brother was invited because he's my godfather, and I'm close with him and love him. And his sister, who I'm close with. But another sister wasn't invited because I'm not really close to her. I love her. Like, it's nothing, you know. Sure.

But we found out two years after my wedding, when I was going through my divorce, found out that he is so pissed off that he was not invited to my wedding that he won't even talk to my parents. It's like, we don't talk. We're not Facebook friends. I don't have your number. I love your family, but why would you think you're invited? This isn't 1985, and you invite every freaking member that's blood relative. I'm just warning everyone, like, you're gonna have situations, but someone's gonna come from it from a loving place. and be completely understanding, and some people you're just not going to have in your life.

Aleisha McCormack:

I mean, I do think if people choose to exit your life due to not being invited to a wedding, it sort of really shows the status of where they should be in your life, I feel like. Unless it's, you know, a really egregious sort of move from someone not inviting someone to the wedding, I think, ugh. Who has the time? Who has the energy? Kristen, I wish you luck. I think you're doing all the right things. One suggestion is if the mums are that obsessed with having all those people attend the wedding, then they could maybe organize a post-wedding event where they invite all those people and you could have a little meet and greet, a barbecue, some sort of family lovely event where all of the family comes together. They pay for it. You just turn up in a gorgeous sort of summer dress or whatever you want to do. Meet and greet, press the flesh, see everyone. Hey, you have a cake or whatever and you move on. So you have your wedding and if they want to do their little air quotes wedding, they can do that too.

Leah Haslage:

Brilliant. Just quickly before we get to the next one though, because it's going to tie in because it's a destination one we're about to get into. Kristen had mentioned the destination wedding because like the excuse of the count. I do suggest, though, only doing the destination wedding though. if you really want a destination wedding. Because why stress yourself out with the logistics of a destination wedding only to try to have the excuse of the headcount? I wouldn't use it as a band-aid for the problem. Only do a destination wedding if you really want a destination wedding.

Aleisha McCormack:

Oh, I totally agree. Because also it's a pain in the ass. It's more expensive, no matter what people say about it, sometimes being less expensive if you add up all the other things. I think for the couple, you can save money in the overall event, but also you're asking people to make a commitment. You're asking people to take time off work, travel, which is lovely, but also it is a commitment that you're asking. And we joked offline before we started, I'm like, hey, Australia gets four weeks holiday every year, which is boasting. Thanks, Australia. But I've lived, as we all know, I've lived in the UK. I've got family in America. I know how precious holiday days are to you people who don't live in countries like Australia. So I want to reiterate that when you're doing destination stuff, you're asking people to travel for your wedding. They're giving up a little part of their freedom and their time, which I'm sure they're happy to do. But also pull your head out and just figure out what you actually want and don't make people travel just because you haven't got the balls to cut people off an invitation.

Leah Haslage:

Yeah, agree. Well, I wish Kristen luck, and I hope this helps anyone that's struggling with this similar situation.

Aleisha McCormack:

I agree.

Leah Haslage:

All right. Ready to go on to the next one?

Aleisha McCormack:

Yes.

Lauren, Guest Caller:

Hey, Aleisha. My name is Lauren. I live in the United States in the state of Arizona. My question is regarding stepfamily, and I guess what the right thing to do here is, so we were only going to invite We're not super duper close with like a lot of, especially on my side, like a lot of my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, especially my new step-siblings as of three years ago. You know, obviously this is not going to come off very well, but it is what it is and this is what we want to do. And I'm not super close to them. You know, we don't text. I don't have some of their numbers. You know, we see each other at family gatherings, especially with all this crazy political climate in the United States. You know, we're extremely divided on that end as well. I just don't see them there at my day. And so I am just trying to kind of figure out the best way to have these conversations with them.

Like I said, I'm not super used to even calling them on the phone, but I guess I could do that to kind of, you know, set the record straight and You know, maybe let them know that we're going to be doing something bigger later on, even though we might not actually do that. Is that wrong to kind of tell people that, oh, sorry, we're doing something small. We'll have something bigger later on where all the family can come, like, and then maybe just not do that? I don't know. These are kind of just some of the things that are running through my head. I'm just trying to make myself not feel like too terrible of a person. But yeah, just kind of wanting some advice on that. And yeah, whatever else you have to have to say regarding COVID pandemic and trying to keep weddings pretty small. So love the podcast. Keep up the good work. Love everything you do. And it's been so helpful. So thank you so much.

Leah Haslage:

Aleisha, we have small wedding step siblings that are like newbies on the block that she doesn't talk to.

Aleisha McCormack:

I love this. I love this. Have you got step siblings?

Leah Haslage:

I don't have any step siblings. No, but like I just said, I've had family dynamic issues, so I get it with that. To me, though, I feel like there's no relationship whatsoever unless a parent is like, they have to be there because that's my other children, or however that works, I don't know. But like, I don't know, I kind of feel like there's no parental pressure. I don't think you need to invite them, right?

Aleisha McCormack:

When I first heard this, I thought, oh, step-siblings, they've known each other for many years. But when Lauren said they've only, and this doesn't discount people's relationships can grow very quickly, but three years, they don't really hang out. They're adults. It's different from being step-siblings when you're kids and you're like, oh, I'm forced to hang out with this other kid every second week or whatever. it's not the same situation. So as soon as I sort of heard that, my gut was like, well, look, a nice two, but certainly not to have that pressure to invite them. Also, they're not part of your life, they're part of your extended family, but not part of your life, which to me is just an instant like, “Nice to know you. See you at the next family gathering." Because that's what she was saying.

Leah Haslage:

Yeah, would it be awkward having them there? Are you going to feel this weird feeling when you see them there? Because this is a huge important day in your life, right? Do you want to look around and be like, Awkward.

Aleisha McCormack:

I don't want to talk to them. And also, look, just say parents have been married for three years. Maybe they've been together for 15, 20 years. Who knows? Not to judge, but I'm like, this is a newer relationship. Maybe your relationship is older than the parents' relationship. Who knows? The other thing I was going to say is I love Lauren's suggestion that she's like, well, we'll just maybe say we're going to throw a bigger party later, but we'll never do it. I fucking love that.

Leah Haslage:

In a sense, it's like passing the buck, but at the same time, like, yeah, we changed our mind. We spent so much money. Like, no.

Aleisha McCormack:

I'm all for the decoy fake wedding, future wedding, to get the fuck out of problems now. That is future Lauren's problem. And you know what? Something else will come along that will distract them and they will never ask about that party. I love that. You could create some George Costanza fake invites for a future save the date for an unknown date in the future that's never going to happen, but put it on your refrigerator just in case. That's great.

Leah Haslage:

You know what I want to pick your brain about? And I don't know if when you were getting married, if you went through this at all, but like when random people assume they're going to be invited to your wedding. It's so weird and awkward. The place I was working at the time I was planning mine, the morning janitor, I'd say hi and have small talk banter, right? So I got engaged, he was like, I can't wait to be dancing at your wedding. And I was like, ha ha, just thinking he was kidding, right? Oh no. He kept bringing up and he was like, I'm waiting for my invite. And he legit thought he was going to get invited to my wedding. Briefly saw him in my mornings coming into work. Very lovely gentleman. I enjoyed having our brief conversations, but like, like we're not social media friends. Like, I don't know you.

Aleisha McCormack:

That's when you really push the friendship.

Leah Haslage:

He was legit hurt when I said, Oh, thank you so much. So kind. But like, we're just having a small, you know, intimate wedding and end up being 100 people. But did you experience that? Because like, I know people have told me like, in their planning process that like, they'll get awkward, like, hey, can't wait for the invite.

Aleisha McCormack:

Yeah, we had a couple of falling out with some friends in our friendship circle, but who were in the circle, but didn't really come to events and stuff. So I didn't really get to know them that well. And they were really lovely people, but they didn't know much about my life or my family. And well, we'd never been to dinner with them solo. You know, they'd always been in group events. And for me, that was just like going, well, I've never experienced one-on-one friendship with you, which is not bad, but also you're asking to come to one of the most intimate days of my life. And yet we've never been to dinner together. So to me, that was an easy thing. And I think with your janitor friend, it's the same to go, hey, I love that you're keen and you want to come to my party. But maybe I could sit down and talk about some of my problems. Maybe we could sit down later and I could really share some shit about my life to you and then see if you want to come to my fucking wedding. I hate that stuff. I hate the idea as much as it's lovely that you talk to him every morning, why did this guy assume he's coming to your wedding? Or you could go, hey, I've got a family funeral coming up next week. You want to pop along to that as well, buddy?

Leah Haslage:

I swear, weddings and funerals can bring out the best and worst in people.

Aleisha McCormack:

I'm sick of making people feel good about themselves for assuming they're something about me. Let's just take that back now. This is what's happened over the last fucking four years of Aleisha's life. I'm sick of making other people feel comfortable when I feel uncomfortable and I'm doing something that's not making me happy because they're happy. Fuck that.

Leah Haslage:

Girl, yes. Woo, preach it.

Aleisha McCormack.

Thanks, needed that this morning. Yeah. Anyway, I think Lauren's doing the right thing. Don't invite your stepsisters, siblings. They'll be fine. You can see them next Thanksgiving. Yeah, and they get pissed off at you. Ah, whatever. They'll be fine. Who knows what's going to happen in the future. They'll be fine. Yeah. Good on you, Lauren.

Leah Haslage:

All right, our third and final one for today.

Linda, Guest Caller:

Hi, Aleisha, absolutely love your show. Thank you so much for opening up Q&As to everyone. It's really, really helpful. So I am planning a wedding in Greece at a beautiful venue. We're having the issue at the moment with our guest list. So we're desperately trying to keep our guest list Down to about 100 people. I have a very big family. My fiancé has a lot of friends. He's been part of sports teams his whole life, so they're basically his family. So the issue we're facing at the moment is that a lot of our friends are actually engaged and married themselves. So that's obviously adding to a lot of the guest list. And I should actually probably tell you that I'm Australian. My fiancé is British and we live in New York. So a lot of our friends, we actually haven't met their partners or we're not very close with their partners. So we're sort of looking at the moment at not inviting plus ones for everyone. So anybody that's engaged or married, obviously they will be invited. But that means that some of our close friends and family won't have a plus one.

For me, it's really important to have a more intimate wedding. I want to look out on the day and be able to recognize everyone and you know, not feel so overwhelmed with so many people that we don't know. But we also have a venue that works best when there isn't too many people. We really don't want to be crowded on the day and we also don't want to go over budget. The problem that I'm facing at the moment is it means my bridal party won't have a plus one and A couple of them have actually assumed that they will have a plus one. They're not in serious relationships at the moment and the ones that do have either boyfriend or girlfriend we don't either haven't met or we don't know them that well. So I don't really know how to sort of approach the issue of telling them that they won't have a plus one. I'm feeling really conflicted about it.

Firstly, I don't know if it's the right thing to not invite plus ones for everyone. And secondly, I don't really know how to sort of talk to my bridal party about it without sort of upsetting people, I guess. Yeah, I guess just some advice on how to handle this. Firstly, am I doing the right thing by not inviting a plus one for everybody? And secondly, how do we kind of talk to people about not being able to have somebody there that they probably would like to have there or to be able to find someone to bring? Thank you. Love your show.

Aleisha McCormack:

Well, firstly, what an exciting life Linda leads. She's planning a wedding in Greece.

Leah Haslage:

In Greece. Like, sounds amazing.

Aleisha McCormack:

She's an Aussie, lives in New York, marrying a Brit. That sounds fun. But also, yeah, that's a lot of people from very different countries all over with very different expectations. Oh, that sounds expensive and fun. But what do you think, Leah? Like I've got things, but I'm interested in what you have to say.

Leah Haslage:

So my first thought is with the bridal party, my knee jerk reaction recommendation is just to play all over the world to have a virtual bridesmaid bridal party meeting set up. Right. And just lay out the terms with everybody and say, Hey, this is nothing personal against you. It was just like, this is the budget and this is headcount. And I'm so happy. I'm so happy that you're going to be a part of this important day in my life. I love that you're going to be there by my side, but unfortunately due to these other circumstances, I cannot give you that plus one. And I hope that you're okay with that and still long for this journey with me.

And it's going to be like we've talked about the last two. If someone wants to be an asshole and doesn't want to get on board with this, that's going to be a separate issue you have to deal with, unfortunately. But that says more about them than you. I understand, like, yeah, people married and engaged, if you have time with them, you've met them. But if you haven't met the significant other or if they're single, like, yes, it's a destination wedding, but it's expensive.

Aleisha McCormack:

I think there's also an element of like, yeah, you want to go on a holiday, but the idea that if you're dating someone that's sort of like, maybe, it's also a big commitment to then get them to travel to Greece with you. And, you know, I feel like regardless of you being in the bridal party or not, well, I think the bridal party would generally know a lot of the people at the wedding. not always, but would have connections. So I feel like you're not leaving them out on their own. And you're not saying, don't bring your fiance or partner. Like you're just saying, Hey, and I'm assuming it sounds like Linda might be quite generous and there might be some other things that are being paid for.

So if I was Linda's friend and she seems great, let's be friends, Linda. And Linda hadn't met my partner or my boyfriend at the time and we were traveling and I was going to go to Greece. I don't think I would feel, as you said, if I'm the person that's going to react negatively, then I'm maybe not the good friend to Linda that I should be, you know, and being in the bridal party perhaps. Linda mentioned, and I thought this was a good point, that her partner being involved in sport, and I think that's something over the years of RideChiller, was a tricky one because sport is something that brings people together. You feel really connected with them. You've got that sense of camaraderie. But also, in a lot of sporting teams, there are 12 to 14 people, and I'm highly suggesting you're not best friends with those whole team. And I know we had questions over the years of going, oh shit, he's in the soccer team, how do we not invite all these people? And you're like, well, listen, again, have you been to dinner with all these people? Do you feel friendship?

So I get that Linda's sort of saying, hey, we've got this big extended group of people, not just the fact we're from different countries, we're getting married in a completely different country. The pressure is also tricky. So I just wanted to acknowledge the sporting team thing. I know that was something that was raised regularly, but I do think it's one that you can get around by just bringing back the basic sort of chiller rules of just like, are these people important to me? Don't feel obliged to invite the whole fucking soccer team just because you know, your partner, or you've played in it for 10 years, unless you're best friends with them all. So I don't know.

Leah Haslage:

And I want to give this also, because I don't want to come across as like I've been insensitive to like, oh, like, you know, cut them out, like whatever. If you're on the receiving end of not being invited, just try to as much as you might be hurt and you're totally valid in your feelings of feeling hurt because if you value this friendship or family member or whatever, you're right in that those feelings. But also just try to have grace and understanding that weddings are expensive and You know, it's a lot of time, money, commitment, and sure, you might not have been making that 100 person, 50 person, 20 person count, and you really hope that you had that place in their life, but it doesn't mean you don't still have a place in their life. It's just a different, you know, level, and just try to get out of yourself and have that understanding, and then back to the, you know, the couple planning, try to come from a place of love and grace and understanding when breaking the news to them, you know? Absolutely. Just say you're gonna have a big party later, and you'll get back to that.

Aleisha McCormack:

That invitation's in the mail. That invitation's in the mail. I also think going back, just saying to Linda and she really raises the point and it was something that I feel very strongly about is introducing yourself to a guest at your wedding. It's just, it shouldn't be done. Like unless this is an extreme situation where it's been impossible for you to meet this person or you've talked to them on the video chat and they live in another country. I just feel like you're like, hi. Congratulations, great. What's your name? Peter. Good to meet you, Peter. I'm the bride, Aleisha. Really lovely to meet you. Enjoy all the free food. Hope to see you in the future. I mean, it's such a, like, when it's pitched like that, to me, it seems like a no-brainer. But I just think it's not the day that you should be getting to know someone.

Leah Haslage:

I think it's just been so common. Because, like, I can think about, if I think back to, like, friend and family weddings I've been to, like, those have been cases, right? And I've been the plus one, like, usually a friend, but sometimes like a new girl being, you know, with this guy or whatever. But like, yeah, it's just kind of like, this is like the most important day. And thanks for spending $80 to $200 a plate on me. Like, I appreciate it.

Aleisha McCormack:

I've been to a few weddings the last few years, which I've adored, and people I've been quite close with, and some people I've been reasonably close, well, you know, in friendship groups with. But there is this sense of guilt I feel sometimes going, I'm here, which is great, and I love being here. But should I be here?

Leah Haslage:

I don't know. And who's not getting to be there because I'm here?

Aleisha McCormack:

Yeah. Or do you need to spend this money? I don't know. I just feel like, you know, cost of living, a boring thing to say, but it's a reality. And for everyone listening, I don't care where you're at and what sort of level you're at. I think it's affecting everyone. So That is another thing that it's like not to be Debbie Downer about the prospect of having to cut guest list because of money. But I think realistically, don't put yourself in a situation where you're paying $200 for someone from a soccer team for their dinner, when that could be $200 that you could use for food, mortgage, rent in the future. And I'm really trying to bring it back to reality here because I think it's very easy to slip out of it.

Leah Haslage:

It really is, especially once you start getting other voices in your ear. Yeah. Once you get family members and friends, it can cloud your judgment sometimes too. And if you've been waiting forever to get married and you have these expectations in your head, right? And then you start going down the Pinterest, Instagram rabbit holes and like you can easily get sucked into all that and lose track of what really matters at the end of the day.

Aleisha McCormack:

Well, and that's true. And it's so easy to happen. And again, if family come back and pressure you, it's like, well, are you going to step up in six months time after this wedding when we're struggling to meet our mortgage payments or we're struggling to pay the car loan or the lease? You know, I think it's a real problem and I really think you should be honest and not to shame family members, but if there is pressure coming through and it is absolutely a financial decision for you, then lay your cards out and go, buddies, this is fucking hard. And if they're like, we want you to, you know, invite these people, we like pay for it. Right. And I know this is harsh, but it really has sunk into me the past few years of how hard people push other people to spend money that isn't theirs.

Leah Haslage:

Absolutely. Thank you for saying that. Because it's so true. I think on so many other levels, right? It really helps me. Well, I think too, social media plays into it too. Cause you start seeing all these like grand things people are doing or buying and all that. I think sometimes too, when people are unhappy, They want to kind of suck you into their unhappiness. Like say shopping is their coping mechanism, right? Because I experienced this with a friend once. She was going through things and she got this basically shopping addiction because she was coping with issues. And I started to get sucked into it because I'm out going shopping with her. So then I'm feeling subconsciously this pressure to also buy. And it's like, fuck, now I'm in debt.

Aleisha McCormack:

Like, it's a little whirlpool that you can get easily sucked into. And it's something I've been thinking a lot about just in all aspects of life, but how easy it is to be sort of peer pressured, I think. It's old school just to be like, I need to spend this. But it also really bothers me that friends and family put the pressure on when they don't have to deal with the consequences later beyond them going, oh, I didn't go to the party. And just to come back to your point, Leah, sorry, I'm on a rant now. No, I love this because I have more to add to it. Keep going. Well, just the point of the idea that you have to make someone feel better that you're not inviting them to your wedding, which I think is such a lovely American, beautiful, polite answer. And I say that with love. So American of us, I know.

Leah Haslage:

We don't want to hurt your feelings though.

Aleisha McCormack:

But it's this thing of just going, I want to make you feel better, which is nice, but also that's a social thing of going, I don't want to be the asshole that didn't invite you to the wedding, so I need to make you feel better so I don't look like a prick. But also it's not your problem. If we went around making other people feel better all the time, for all these different reasons, we'd be here all day. So I think you have to step back eventually and go, look, my wedding's going to happen and you're going to have the weekend and you're not going to be there and you're probably not going to think about my wedding. Or you're going to think about it for two seconds and then you're going to live your weekend. Their lives aren't going to be deeply affected by not coming to your party. And if they want to spend time with you, and they feel that bad about it, then again, I'm really pushing this go to dinner. I'm just saying spend time with people intimately without them feeling shitty that you can go to your wedding when they see you once every three years or whatever. Fuck you. That's what I say.

Leah Haslage:

And kind of full circle with that though, going back to my initial reaction to what she was asking, have a conversation with your bridal party. Have dinner or lunch or whatever and say, okay, here is how it's going to be for my wedding. I hope this does not hurt you in any way. I'm glad you are in it. You are here and present with me. Sorry, you can't have a plus one if you're not married or engaged. It's expensive like as a bridesmaid or groomsman you should already kind of maybe feel some relief because it costs a lot to be in the wedding already as it is and now you want to add another layer of someone like you're newly dating or just try to find a friend because you had that plus one you have to fill when you don't like have the conversation. Conversations are tough obviously but communication period is key.

Aleisha McCormack:

Oh yeah, get uncomfortable and then you'll be comfortable afterwards. Guaranteed.

Leah Haslage:

You have more regrets over things left unsaid.

Aleisha McCormack:

Well, yeah, because then people assume and then they make their own narrative and backstory up. And if you just lay it down and just be clear without too much fluffy language, you know, don't... we'll all create all this padding before I tell you and the padding also just makes it worse sometimes because I can see it coming where you just like “yeah get it done”. Thanks Linda.

Leah Haslage:

Thank you Linda. So Aleisha, to kind of wrap up today based off of like the three questions we had today, do you have any other advice you want to add or revisit anything?

Aleisha McCormack:

Well, I think, you know, I think the thing is the theme of like really going back to what Chilla is about. It's just planning something that reflects who you are as a couple. Don't be pressured by family. It's easier said than done. I absolutely know that. If you want to send me phone numbers of mums, I'll give them a call.

I just feel like there's, you know, opportunity really to step out as a couple and who you are and you know, lay some groundwork of how you want your life to go together and maybe that is not being bullied or pushed around by your family. I don't know. Maybe this is a step to go, hey, this event is going to represent who we are. And that may be having to get through a couple of little hurdles on the way of slightly making people feel uncomfortable and getting their ego a little bit disturbed because they didn't come to your wedding, whatever, move on. And you do you. That's what I have to say.

Leah Haslage:

Gosh, this has been fun. Well, thank you so much, Aleisha. And I'm looking forward to having more Q&A sessions with you coming up.

Aleisha McCormack:

I loved it. Send your questions. Let me get angry on your behalf. And I will call your parents if you need me to.

Leah Haslage:

Yeah. So again, head over to speakpipe.com/bridechillapodcast. And we can't wait to answer your questions. See you soon, girl.

Aleisha McCormack:

Happy days.

Leah Haslage:

Thanks for joining us today! Be sure to subscribe wherever you get podcasts so you never miss an episode. Give us a follow on social media and visit thebridechilla.com. To leave a question you'd like to hear answered on the show, head to speakpipe.com/bridechillapodcast, also linked in the description.

Bridechilla is a production of Evergreen Podcasts. Thanks to our producer and engineer, Gray Sienna Longfellow, and our executive producers, Brigid Coyne and Gerardo Orlando. And of course, a special thanks to Aleisha, our OG bridechilla, and Megan Ely of OFD Consulting. I'm your host, Leah Haslage. Until next time, Chillas!

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