430.5- Wedding Q&A with Aleisha

Leah Haslage:

Welcome to the Bridechilla Podcast. I'm your host, Leah Haslage. Whether you're just starting to plan or you're counting down the days, I'm here to help you stay cool, calm, and collected throughout the wedding journey. So let's get this wedding party started and embrace your inner Bridechilla.

Hey Chillas, we are with the OG of Bridechilla, one of our favorite humans, Aleisha!

Aleisha McCormack:

Hello! Oh, and a very good day to you. Gosh, it's nice to be back, proffering advice to people who may or may not want my advice, but I'm here to give it. Gee, I like other people's problems because they're not mine, you know?

Leah Haslage:

You put your problems in the fuck-it bucket, and listen to everybody else's.

Aleisha McCormack:

Chuck them out. Exactly. Well, that is always the solution. That's the fallback. We know where we can put the problem.

Leah Haslage:

Right? Thank you so much to everyone that's been calling in. If you would like to have us dissect your problem, head over to Speakpipe. The link is in the description and at thebridechilla.com. And we want to hear from you, so please reach out. And with that, Aleisha, ready to get to our first caller?

Aleisha McCormack:

I'm very excited. Let's do it.

CALLER 1:

Hi, Leah and Aleisha. I have a question for you. So what do you do if your friend is getting married, she's the bride to be, and she asks you to be in her wedding and you say yes. But this all happens when you're out late at night and the bride is very, very drunk. And then she never brings it up with you again.

Leah Haslage:

Okay, Aleisha. The drunk ask. What do you think?

Aleisha McCormack:

Well, that's interesting because we all have our various drunk personalities. I've got a theory about this. I am a generous drunk where I really get involved in planning things with people. I feel like I might be in the category of this bride, potentially, where everyone can come and stay at our house and, you know, it's all happening. And then I wake up and I'm not saying this is happening with our lovely Brigid's question, but I'm saying that sometimes I wake up with regret going, oh, geez, what have I promised in my drunk generosity this time? So, you know, I relate to both sides of this problem because I think I've been on both sides of this problem. Although, maybe, you know, is it the first thing that you say when you wake up? I've got questions on how long it's been since there's been a discussion. What do you think, Leah?

Leah Haslage:

No, that's a good point. Um, how long it's been since the drunk incident kind of, and she has not brought it up and you talked X amount of times could be something. But I think, we preach here all the time about communication. So I think just like have some drinks, like get a glass of wine, not too many, just get the glass of wine or whatever. And be like, you know, when we were out, you happen to say this just so you know, if you meant it, I am honored. I would love to be a part of it, but if not no hard feelings, I would just like to know because I am sharing in your joy regardless.

Aleisha McCormack:

Or you could do a bit of a Penske file Seinfeld version where George just thinks he has the job. Well, he thinks he has the job, he goes for an interview and then can't quite decide if he actually has the job or not. So just turns up and starts to do the job just to see if people think it's weird or not. So maybe, all right, if you don't want to have the communication, which of course we encourage, you could just start up like WhatsApp groups like Casey's wedding or whatever. and then bringing in the other bridesmaids or other wedding party people, and then just see if they're like, what is Brigid doing in here? She's not really involved in our crew.

Leah Haslage:

Oh, that's so much more awkward. I love that you found a way to reference Seinfeld. I'm very proud of you. Because your Seinfeld, my Friends, will find a way. I know. I love it. I'm here for it. But that would be so awkward, wouldn't it?

Aleisha McCormack:

Sure. But it provides a bit of gossip for the rest of the bridal party. And then you'll be like, oh, there's Brigid. When the wedding comes around, they're like, she thought she was in the bridal party. She started a WhatsApp group, but she wasn't because the bride was drunk. Maybe that is the best way to go about testing this friendship as well, because then if you're actually not technically a part of it, but she's been drunk and so excited to invite you into the bridal party, maybe you should be there anyway. Maybe it's a happy drunk problem, which now the bride's going to go, actually, Brigid's a cool chick. I don't understand why, I mean, maybe I've invited other people out of obligation. This is who I really want to be in my bridal party.

Leah Haslage:

Or maybe you're just not in the bridal party, but you're the cool chick they invite to the bachelorette, and you can just get drunk at the bachelorette.

Aleisha McCormack:

And you haven't got the obligation of having to get a dress, get your hair and makeup done, and all that other stuff that most likely is in your future, Brigid. So maybe you've dodged a bullet. Maybe this is the best thing. OK, sorry. I'm just going to get to my final point now; I say that, that's rubbish.

Maybe this is the ultimate solution. You've been faux asked, it's not real, but she feels that way about you, but you don't have to then do the whole job. But then you can always have that little secret wink, ding, that you know, hey, in a moment of passion and slight inebriation, she wanted me temporarily in the bridal party. You win. You're the best person ever. That's the best answer. There you go. It's the best.

Leah Haslage:

So your options are: communicate or Seinfeld it.

Aleisha McCormack:

Communicate, well, there's three options. It's to communicate, it's to just turn up and act like you.

Leah Haslage:

Show up.

Aleisha McCormack

Show up, okay. Or the third option, relish in the whole prospect of being asked but not having the responsibility or the financial obligation or burden sometimes of being a part of a bridal party. Just feel smug knowing she wanted you there, but also maybe she's got the obligation people in there anyway. So you win, Brigid. Ultimately, you win.

Not that everything's about a game. I have to say, over the years, various people in my life have said, Aleisha, you seem to set things up like everything is a competition and game.

Leah Haslage:

I thought it was because you just came back from Samoa from Australian Survivor. So you're thinking…

Aleisha McCormack:

That's true. Well, that is, I have been living within a game. I haven't been playing everyone. I've been working on the show. But I think I just have a natural ability to get everything into some sort of competitive situation. But in this situation, Brigid wins.

Leah Haslage:

Final answer.

Aleisha McCormack

Sold!

CALLER 2:

Some friends of mine are getting married, and as part of their wedding registry, they have a link to make a contribution to their honeymoon slash first house fund. And my question is whether or not it's better to give them money directly through that link, knowing that the service might take a cut and they might not get the full amount of my gift, or if I should just give them a good old fashioned check.

Aleisha McCormack:

Chris! Oh gosh.

Leah Haslage:

So, I mean, I'm all for straight cash homies, but put it right in my pocket. Although you have to make sure no one is stealing the card box.

Aleisha McCormack:

Also, actually a genuine problem for some people at weddings.

Leah Haslage:

It legit is. I've been to a few.

Aleisha McCormack:

Yeah, when I learned that people would steal wishing wells, I mean, of course, people will steal anything that's possibly stealable. But that is a really shitty thing to steal. Anyway, sidebar.

Leah Haslage:

People tried stealing the centerpieces from my wedding.

Aleisha McCormack:

Well, I mean, I'm sure that's a compliment, Leah, because they were probably beautiful. They're like, oh, take them home.

Leah Haslage:

But, like, seriously, people just take. But, you know, I support the different wedding websites that have these options. You can do it. That is a point that some might take the cut. I get that. But I really could go either way with this. I always prefer just to have it in hand. But there's always that risk of it being taken or lost.

Aleisha McCormack:

I suppose the transactional ease of it all with a lot of those gifting websites, it's so much easier to put your card in and it gets moved over. Also, if someone has chosen to have this registry, then that's their choice. I mean, it depends on who's being hit with the fees, but also how many other fees do we pay every freaking day? And never think about it, by the way. Yeah, very true. So it's like, we're going to get finicky with this one. Maybe just make it easier for the couple, put the money in and just move on with your 7% surcharge and just realize that's probably just a, you know, half a coffee that you've had this morning.

Leah Haslage:

Send it to like your Venmo or CashApp with a ring emoji.

Aleisha McCormack:

But maybe they're trying to put it in one section as well so they don't go and spend it on other stuff that, you know, if you just put it in a bank account for someone, then it's just money that doesn't exist and it just gets absorbed into regular money. So I think as well as keeping it registry money separately, there might be a purpose behind that. I don't know if I'm over-looking into this, but also it's like, what do we get hung up on?

Leah Haslage:

I think it's a really good point. And I love that people do set up honeymoon funds. and vacation funds towards the house as opposed to, especially if you're over a certain age and you've lived together for a while and all this stuff, and you're like, I don't really need more cookware and all this stuff. I think it's a fantastic option to do that.

Aleisha McCormack:

Yeah, absolutely. In these financially harder times, I will have to say, I think a lot of people would appreciate, especially with gifting as well, I think there's been definitely a shift over the last four or five years of much more mindful gifting or not just buying people useless shit for no reason. I think we've become a little bit more, maybe, self-aware of consumerism and what we actually want to spend our money on.

I am fully supportive, I think I've always been very much mindful of going, if you want an experience, go and put your money into an experience. Or if you have been living together for years and you're like, we really want to improve the kitchen, or something like that. I don't know.

I think, although it's not the sexiest gift to say, well, I got someone some new tapware. It's like, man, you're making a change in their life. I think creative gifting is fine. And also think about where you're putting your energy into, what you're worrying about with surcharges and stuff. I just feel like we could be worrying about that all day, every day if we wanted to.

Leah Haslage:

Are you leaning more towards them doing the website versus? Yeah.

Aleisha McCormack:

I think so. Well, they've asked you. I just feel like if people have a specific ask, I mean, unless it's a huge amount of money that you're going to save them.

Leah Haslage:

Right. They may not be getting the surcharge. It might be you paying a little extra. Like when you donate to charity, sometimes they ask you to pay the $1.50 or $2 credit card fee or whatever it is. It could be a similar thing. And what's two extra bucks then if you're already gifting? This is true. I mentioned the possibility of theft. I'm not kidding with that. I mean, that's a legit thing. It could be family and it could be people at the venue that work there, but also the venue. Like if you're doing a destination wedding, if you're on a beach, if you're at a restaurant, like you don't know who's coming in and out.

Aleisha McCormack:

And someone has to be responsible for that thing as well. You've got to like then give someone the job to go, you're looking after the wishing bowl or lock it to the table. So it looks like someone's going to steal it. Oh, don't do that. But then also sometimes you've got to.

Leah Haslage:

I mean, right? So yeah, I think I'm with you. I'm leaning towards, I lean towards the website.

Aleisha McCormack:

Be a rebel elsewhere.

Leah Haslage:

All right, great. Let's go to the next one.

CALLER 3:

Hi, what are your thoughts on when to have a bachelorette party? I was recently involved in a wedding, and we had the bachelorette party the day before the wedding. We were out all night, and we had to get up very early in the morning. It was very fun, but it was tiring. A lot of people seem to do it the day before their wedding. What are your thoughts on when is the perfect time to have a bachelorette party?

Aleisha McCormack:

Raven. Oh, Raven, the day before bachelorette is a killer. Particularly if you like to indulge in anything. That's a bold move.

Leah Haslage:

Even if it's a later wedding. There’s still not time to recover.

Aleisha McCormack:

Crikey, no. And also, I feel like, well, I mean, you know, a lot of US-based weddings, there's rehearsal dinners or other events that happen the night before. So I mean, that's also, I've always had thoughts on going, I mean, those events are huge anyway, and they're like consuming of your energy and also your money and time and all this sort of additional funds and sort of resources go into that. But I mean, Bachelorette the day before, it blows my mind. It's risky.

Leah Haslage:

Yeah, it's been so retro. Look, I'm really surprised people are still doing it. Because when I hear that, I think of, like, my family in the 80s. Like, that's what you just did. There's no rehearsal dinners and stuff. You have your bachelorette, the next day you went to the church and then you had the reception in the banquet hall and called it a life.

Aleisha McCormack:

I mean, I respect that because it also just means we're not indulging in a week of extended wedding celebrations when a lot of time people can't afford it or, you know, it's like hard to be if you're out of town and then try to cram things in. So I appreciate that time is limited sometimes, but it's also like, you're asking a lot of your people to then back it up, turn it around.

Leah Haslage:

Are you exhausted thinking about it?

AMC:

Yes. And I feel pre-hung over for them.

Leah Haslage:

Right? Isn't that crazy? I really do too.

Aleisha McCormack:

I feel like in answering Raven's question about when it's the right time, it's so interesting. I've been to bachelorettes where it's been like six months before the wedding. Yeah. Literally like a long, long time. And that, you know, often comes down to availability of when people are going to be free and If you want to go away somewhere or if it's a full weekend, all these various situations that could be involved in organizing it. But yeah, I mean, I feel like if you can do it in a space of a couple of months, that feels like a good time period, but also there are no rules.

Leah Haslage:

You're hyping up the celebration.

Aleisha McCormack

Yeah, you're building, you're doing the slow build. It's a nice time for people if you plan something. I also think you don't have to have these events, by the way. The event is about you marrying your partner. So if there's no bachelorette or hens or bucks, whatever you want to call them, I think a lot of people are choosing to not have these additional events because of funds and because of also availability of people. And it's not necessary that we follow these traditions all the time. Just wanted to add that to make people not feel bad if they're not having events like this.

Leah Haslage:

No, I'm so glad you said that because there is so much pressure with it. It's become crazy how important it's become, more important than the wedding day in some situations I've been reading.

Aleisha McCormack:

Well, that's wackadoodle. I mean, how does that work? How does that work? It's like, if you want to, if that's really important to you, which is cool, then go and have a holiday with your mates. You know, like that's absolutely fine, we should be doing that more often, but also the energy and expectations of those events have really increased in a crazy way. It's shocking to me how much onus is put on having these big flashy events.

Especially after we've been through COVID, we're going through an international financial crisis at the moment. To me, it's like people are losing their homes. And I'm not meaning to be Debbie Downer here or being negative. It's just the reality of where we're living and what's happening in our world. It's like the pressure of planning these big events and then trying to turn it around. So maybe that's why people are having them before. Like you said, if we're going to go back to looking for logic, if people are genuinely celebrating these events, and backing them up. Maybe it's a sensible move, but also a terrible move.

Leah Haslage:

The day before, I just, I mean, do you boo, but that's a lot on your party and do not be pissed off. If come wedding day, they're exhausted. They don't have their energy and mojo. They're pissed off. They're hung over.

Aleisha McCormack:

You asked for it. Yeah, damn, that's hard. I know. That's certainly something I wouldn't encourage. If avoidable, if possible, please avoid or just go less. Just have a less like if you're going to do it, then make it pretty sensible.

Leah Haslage:

Like we talked about in a previous episode about what we did for ours and how you can do it, have so much fun and not be crazy. You know, people do spa days and stuff like that. Day before, do a spa day.

Aleisha McCormack:

Exactly. Convert it to a spa day afternoon. My gosh, that's lovely. Have a little bit of champs, get a bit fresh, go to bed at a sensible time.

Leah Haslage:

Do you think that social media and shows like Real Housewives of every city has created this mindset of having to do these extravagant kind of trips and getaways and looks and

Aleisha McCormack:

Yeah, I definitely think it's contributed. I think there's been a lot of normalization of this in wedding media and press as well. And the idea that there's sexy events to market, the idea of going away with your gal pals or your guys and having these sort of bougie weekends. Yeah, I mean, absolutely. I've watched enough Real Housewives of OC to see Heather Dubrow's parties where she has all of these various stations and there's all these accessories and I watch it and I'm like, oh, how fun.

But then part of me unpacks it and goes, Christ, that is a lot of stuff to be buying and doing. And she's got a lot of cash, presumably, or debt, who knows. But the idea that that's how we show our, you know, that's normalized, that we can show our love for this person is that we're going along and spending heaps of money or they're spending heaps of money on me coming to their party. I don't know I find that appealing as much anymore. Like it's, look at me getting all like old school, like let's cut the fat, get rid of everything like this. I just feel like it's becoming crazy.

Leah Haslage:

Well, we grew up in the 80s, and it was the time of excess. Like everything was over the top, right? And that's why everything became more minimalist in the 90s. The pendulum swung. So I kind of feel like we're at that access stage right now, right?

Aleisha McCormack:

Yeah, that's a really good way to summarize it, because I do think it is. The world's also going through ... The 80s were various states of crises and then recovery, and I suppose we're in that very similar zone as well. And just realizing, again, very 80s, the empowerment thing, where people are waking up going, we don't have to do things a certain way. Or maybe we want to go on a big joint trip somewhere with all of our friends, the boys and girls, or girls and girls and boys and boys, and we have them all come on an event. We don't have to separate these two things. Ultimately, what do those events mean? It's the last celebration before you get married. All the imagery of strippers and all of this sort of like, oh, we could do anything tonight. But rarely do people do that because the status quo is mainly monogamous relationships that we're celebrating. Again, no judgment if you're not in that specific bucket I've put you in. But it's the idea of like everyone's going out pretending this is the theme of what might happen when really it's just partying with your friends. So when you unpack like those sort of events, you're like, is that representing what we want to do? Or are we just doing it because it's the thing we're supposed to be doing?

Leah Haslage:

We'll be right back after a quick break.

Leah Haslage:

Okay. So with this one, I have come across a few “Am I the Asshole?” Reddit wedding things. And I came across one yesterday, and then when I heard what this last caller was asking about, I was like, Oh, I have a followup for Aleisha.

Aleisha McCormack

Uh-oh. Here we go.

Okay. So, it was originally on Reddit, but it was in people magazine. So I'm going to read. mostly what they wrote, give you, you know, set up the story.

“A bridesmaid was shocked to learn that her share of a friend's bachelorette getaway would cost her $5,000 after she was already on the trip. A friend of the bridesmaid detailed the dilemma in a recent post on Reddit, writing that the bridesmaid recently attended a bride-to-be's bachelorette celebration, a four-day weekend in New Orleans, along with nine other bridesmaids. With each bridesmaid contributing $5,000, the total cost of the trip was $50,000. She understandably was panicking about money because the entire weekend ended up costing each bridesmaid $5,000. The friend said before revealing she didn't learn how much it would cost until she was already there. The friend went on to clarify that the 5k only covered the bachelorette trip itself, not the additional costs of serving as a bridesmaid, such as travel and a hotel for the wedding weekend, a dress and a gift for the newlyweds.”

So. Obviously, the post sparked a lively discussion.

Aleisha McCormack

I can imagine.

Leah Haslage:

Someone had said, I am sorry, but when there's a trip planned, you need to be fully aware of the cost of accommodation and how you arrive, whether that be flight or driving, someone wrote. You need to ask the questions. Those are the two biggest expenses.

The friend addressed the point in a reply in the comments, writing, “She knew the costs for lodging and flights and one of the planned activities, but she didn't realize they hired a private chef for every day and scheduled other activities that ended up being charged later in the trip. I also don't think she anticipated being asked to cover one-tenth of everything for the bride including first-class flight costs.”

Aleisha McCormack:

Christ, that's a horrid excuse for deadies. Um...

Leah Haslage:

So your thoughts?

Aleisha McCormack

Well, well look, there are some people in this world... Speaking of the Real Housewives, this just feels like it's taken from one of those shows. And it feels like a sort of argument they would have with the receipts, literally the receipts, they would bring out the receipts.

I am not shocked by these posts. You know, you see them sometimes and you're like, how far up their own ass is someone's head when they create these sort of events? Like how self-important? And then also, you question your friendships, I suppose, when you come into... I don't know. Maybe this is what people want. Do they want to go on these big trips? Is this how they find value and self-love?

Leah Haslage:

It doesn't sound like she's talking to her maids about this. There was a lack of awareness on the bridesmaids' part of anything going down on this trip. But then the expectation that she's going to have to cover it. And apparently this is more common than just this article because I don't know if you listen to “The Financial Diet” with Chelsea. It's a great financial podcast, very empowering for women. She had a little short wedding series that she did and she had a woman on, who her thing came to $30,000 for a bridesmaid's trip unbeknownst to her. And it was a lot. She had to pay off a whole credit card debt.

Aleisha McCormack:

You could buy a car with that, and quite a good car.

Leah Haslage:

Yeah, and it took her a few years to pay off her credit card debt for this one weekend.

Aleisha McCormack:

That is bonkers to me. It's bonkers that you get into that sort of debt, but also the process, as you said, how far do you get down the track, right, without asking questions. But also, clearly she committed to this sort of bougie trip. So she knew she'd already paid a considerable sum of money, which is a huge commitment anyway to me. I feel like that's a lot of money on its own to go on, not your own holiday. It's someone else's holiday for just a few days.

But also funding someone else's stuff. I get if you're out on a bachelorette, I don't know how you feel, Leah, but I think it's really nice to contribute. If you're going out for dinner with the bride or groom, I think it's a kind gesture to contribute. But also, if you're being asked to stump up a lot of money, I mentioned, I think last episode, I went to a friend's progressive day, and you can choose different activities, and then they were clear as to what the financial obligation was with each activity. So it was great, because if I did the whole day, it would be like $550. That was a lot of money for me, but I chose to do two chapters of the day. It was great, and it worked out really well.

But it was simple, and it was clear, and I felt like, all right, I know they're offering this up in a way that it's not crass, because we're talking about cash too much, but also it's saying, hey, this is how much this is going to cost you if you want to be a part of it. Enjoy. So I feel like this whole situation feels like from both sides, not very clear in communication.

Leah Haslage:

No.

Aleisha McCormack

There seems to be a huge expectation on opulence. And also the question, I mean, we can't, we have no answers. This is hypothetical, obviously, but it's like, are these people normally living in this world of opulence and extreme luxury and all these huge situations where they're spending a lot of money, or is this like-

Leah Haslage:

I think of Crazy Rich Asians, her bachelorette party on the island.

Aleisha McCormack:

Is this normal? But also, if you're just living, and I air quotes normal as we all are, most of us, there's probably 2% of people listening to this that don't. If you go, if you're just living an air quotes normal life, and then your friend's like, by the way, we're going on a $30,000 luxury bachelorette party just for me, because I want this. I've always dreamed of living completely out of my means and you'll all pay for it. Fuck you all, friends. Right. If that's who you're working with. All right. Sounds like they might need some mental health check. Just get in and help them out. But it blows my mind. It blows my mind.

Leah Haslage:

So, yeah, definitely the communication on both ends. Be clear. If you're the bride or groom, like if you're the person that is the person of honor, If you want something small or extravagant, be clear on intention, clear on costs, and also be mindful that maybe you have the funds, but others don't. And flights, if you're trying to do a destination, flights are expensive as fuck. My boyfriend and I have been trying to find a weekend getaway, and it's like, let's just drive an hour at this point, because flights are ridiculous anywhere. So even just doing the flight and hotel is a lot. So then, to not make it clear that there's gonna be a private chef every day, which, I mean, that's baller. That's great. But if you don't know your footing that bill at the end, it's bullshit.

Aleisha McCormack:

Yeah, I just feel like there's more than one person in on this situation where there should have been more questions asked, but also, you should know your people that you're inviting a little bit more. Not that you have to know their financials, because also this is the other thing. We have no idea how, you know, rich or poor our friends are, I think, you know, the financials of some people that might act like they've got cash or they're feeling comfortable and deep, you know, behind closed doors, they're in deep financial shit. So I think we all need to be mindful of that as well. Not everyone's at the same, seasons of life, isn't it? We all go, we can go through situations where you have less money than your friends. And sometimes that's just where you're at. So.

Leah Haslage:

Yeah, it's hot. I'm curious about the other eight bridesmaids that were on this trip. Boy, we don't know the age bracket. We don't know who has kids. We don't know everyone's situation, obviously. Right. But that's the thing. You don't. And so…

Aleisha McCormack

You don't.

Leah Haslage:

Yeah. If you are the bridal party member, the wedding party member. And you've been asked to go on, whether it's local or a trip, make sure you have that conversation. So it's very clear to you. And if there's a surprise that pops up, you'll be like, hey, we have this conversation already. What is this? Right. And if you're the person of honor, like we said, be mindful. And I think there's the pressure of seeing it online, like we've been talking about, right?

Aleisha McCormack:

Yeah, and I think the people organizing, again, it's about communicating with the expectations of the person you're organizing it for. And then also it's not, again, we go back to, oh, look at this, just tying it up. The theme earlier on, Brigid talking about being asked to be a bridesmaid, but not knowing because of the drunk thing. You know, here's the winner, Brigid. You don't then have to organize, if you aren't being asked to be the bridesmaid and she's just asked you with the drunk moment, you get the little glow and then you move on.

He's a big winner. You don't have to organize a bachelorette party for sermon. It's a lot. It's like a whole nother job on top of your actual job and your family life and other things. You're then having to communicate with, I don't know, 20 potentially more other women or men to organize this whole shindig. You've got the stress of having to deal with going, what does everyone want to do? How do I fit in with everyone? Well, sometimes people don't think about this at all. Financial obligations, when is this going to happen? And having to, oh my gosh, it's a really big deal having to organize all this stuff. It's a job.

Leah Haslage:

It is, and I will say this, like traditionally the maid of honor, best man kind of spearheads the party right yeah but also consider maybe having a joint person with this that's the super organized, the Monica Geller, here's my Friends reference, and they're the Monica Geller type that's going to keep it organized and lives for that, to where it doesn't feel like a job for them, delegate it to them, and then that's a little less pressure on the maid of honor, best man, talk to them first, make sure they're not offended by the job being re-delegated, but they have enough going on with everything else too, right? Maybe it's a joint thing between them, but maybe delegate that way too, so it's... you know.

Aleisha McCormack:

That's a good idea. The more the merrier. And also, yeah, exactly. Just make sure you're not just dumping it on one person. And that you can say, yeah, here's some date ranges that work for me. Set them up in a positive way so they're not chasing everyone for things. Help them out. Be a helper. And they'll help you. And do not have it the day before. And just if there is an extra $5,000 crazy expense on top of whatever you've already spent. Oh, got palpitations thinking about that.

Leah Haslage:

I know, because you figure the dress, she's doing $50k for a bachelorette. I bet that bridesmaid's dress is $200, $300. And then the shoes and accessories and your hair getting done. And travel and lodging for the wedding weekend and the gift.

Aleisha McCormack:

Gifts! The gifts! Also they're putting the gift in there. Is this not the gift? People paying all that money for you to have a party? Is that not the gift?

Leah Haslage:

But yeah, let's talk about this because this has been on my mind because I can't remember if we talked about this last time or if I started talking about it with somebody else but If you're in the wedding party, do you have to give a gift? Like, I always have, but it's always been customary also, right? But really, as much as you're spending on being in this wedding, and you were asked to be honoring them by being by their side, like, yeah, isn't that the gift? You're right. Like, do we have to give extra?

Aleisha McCormack:

I just feel like we've gone gifting insane over the last few years. I think I remember writing a list, I'll try and dig it up for you, Leah, of all of the gift expectations, especially if you're in the bridal party. It starts with an engagement gift, and I'm not begrudging gifts. I think gifting is wonderful. there's gifting for the sake of just buying stuff. And I think I've gone really heavy with it.

I know I sound a bit anti-consumerism. I love shopping. I love stuff. Don't get me wrong, right? I love buying. I love getting that little dopamine hit. But also, the idea of just buying random stuff for a couple who are already probably established, and then the idea of going, oh, I have to go out and buy yet another gift for participating in something they've asked me to participate in, and now I have to keep gifting them. It just feels like a weird transactional situation that we don't really unpack very often and think, why are we buying this?

Or saying, going back to going, maybe the couple needs a new kitchen. Maybe that would be the thing to say to people going, I don't need all these extra gifts. By the way, just at the end, also, I don't want anyone to feel obliged to give me a gift at all. This is just like basically a celebration of being in a union, doesn't mean a celebration of you buying me a lot of shit that I require or haven't asked for. Perhaps that's part of the deal of just being a bit more mindful of when we're asking for things or also just going, just give me something at the end if you really want to contribute.

Or you being here and committing your time and energy and money. to celebrate our relationships really nice. Please don't be obliged to give me a gift at any stage.

Leah Haslage:

It becomes too much.

Aleisha McCormack

Because I mean, I know Americans, I'm going to say Americans, but I've learned this over the years. The gifting is big, there seems to be more onus for you guys. Please correct me if I'm wrong, Leah. Australians don't, and the Brits as well, I think, Talking to people over the years with this podcast has made me really realize the cultural differences that are quite specific and niche, but mean a lot more. I used to go, when I first started going, I can't believe rehearsal dinners! That just seems insane to me. And then people going, actually, it's tradition, but also if you unpack it, is it? I don't know. It's just like a nice thing for people to make more money.

Leah Haslage:

I didn't know it was an American thing until talking to you, the rehearsal dinner.

Aleisha McCormack:

Purely you guys. Yeah. No one else, everyone else sort of says, we'll see you on the day guys. Have a good time.

Leah Haslage:

Yeah, no, it's true. I always knew Hen and Stag is your version of our bachelor, bachelorette. But like, rehearsal dinners, engagement dinners aren't really a thing either, are they?

Aleisha McCormack

No.

Leah Haslage:

I mean, they're kind of weird with us. I think we're 50-50 split here.

Aleisha McCormack:

Some people do and some don't. you just have a party here. You just get together and have a cocktail party or something. I think if that's, but even then that's not, that I suppose is country to country. But yeah, it's just these sort of, I think, you know, going back and thinking, I've been doing a lot of reflecting about Bridechilla and thinking about what has changed and listening to your episodes and thinking, gosh, you know, things move. You know, you have a couple of years off and the world changes.

The ideology and what really still sticks with me is this, please, the question, just getting people to question why they're doing things and why every specific thing doesn't have to come down to traditional obligation. You just do it because you want to do it. And that means if things don't align with what you want, then ditch it. Put it in the fuck-it bucket.

Leah Haslage:

Fuck-it bucket.

Aleisha McCormack

Watch it burn. Seriously, make your own day, but question why you're doing stuff. That's the biggest message, I think, that I took out of the whole five years of doing this show was question. And then it's your day. Do whatever the fuck you want.

Leah Haslage:

Cosign. I don't think we question it enough, though. I think it's a really brilliant point.

Aleisha McCormack:

Well, yeah, if it's just like this party has no meaning to me, or we all saw each other last week, or we want to combine. I mean, do that rather than just doing things because you're like, everyone goes to Cabo, we should all go.

Leah Haslage:

Right.

Aleisha McCormack

Is Cabo still a place that people go for bachelorettes? I don't know.

Leah Haslage:

Probably. I've not been asked, but can’t afford to go right now anyways.

Aleisha McCormack:

How about you just go to the local bar that you always like to go to, make that a fun night.

Leah Haslage:

Yeah. Which is fun. You can make that fun. You make fun where you are, right?

Aleisha McCormack:

Yes. And it's also like, I'm not saying you don't have to make it extra. Do extra. But then the idea that you have to then get into some sort of, or put other people into debt, like both emotional debt or financial debt, that's not cool. No one wants that really. Or paying off a credit card for two years.

Leah Haslage:

Like, write a 30k for a bachelorette party. It's too much. I'm sorry.

Aleisha McCormack:

I'm going to clutch my pearls.

Leah Haslage:

I mean, again, if you've got the money, like you're coming right out of the movie Crazy Rich Asians, we support you. I mean, we support anyone in the decision that they're making. But if you ever ask questions, we're making a point. Please, please be mindful.

Any other final advice for today based off of everything we talked about?

Aleisha McCormack:

Q&A are my favorite episodes because I love learning about what's poking other people's, you know, bears. But also the idea that, you know, we can unpack things and hopefully help people out. So please keep sending them through. Yeah. Absolutely. Where do we send them, Leah?

Leah Haslage:

Head over to cpeakpipe.com/bridechilla and you can find the link in the description and at TheBridechilla.com.

Aleisha McCormack:

And I would muse to think if you don't agree with us or you've got something you want to add, perhaps you've got an alternative solution that has popped out and we haven't mentioned it, you could also leave that in a voice message. We love contributions.

Leah Haslage:

Yeah, we want to hear. Give us more food for thought.

Aleisha McCormack:

Or if you've been hit up with a big bill, this is anonymous as well. You can put on a different voice if you like. There's lots of people listening to this, but also you're not going to get caught. Just tell us all your deepest, darkest secrets. So if you've also had a problem, or someone's overcharged you, or you feel like you've gone into an obligation situation and you just want to unload, I would also encourage you to leave those messages as well.

Leah Haslage:

Yeah, you can stay anonymous. Absolutely. We got you. Jump aboard. Jump aboard. Well, thanks, Aleisha. Always so much fun with you.

Aleisha McCormack:

Oh, I love being here, Leah. And you're doing such a terrific job. And what an amazing array of guests you've already featured on this show. I'm just like, man, I feel tired listening to it in a very positive way.

Leah Haslage:

Well thank you so much.

Aleisha McCormack

Oh, doing fantastic.

Leah Haslage:

So much more greatness coming, so everyone, stay tuned!

Leah Haslage:

Thanks for joining us today! Be sure to subscribe wherever you get podcasts so you never miss an episode. Give us a follow on social media and visit thebridechilla.com. To leave a question you'd like to hear answered on the show, head to speakpipe.com/bridechillapodcast, also linked in the description.

Bridechilla is a production of Evergreen Podcasts. Thanks to our producer and engineer, Gray Sienna Longfellow, and our executive producers, Brigid Coyne and Gerardo Orlando. And of course, a special thanks to Aleisha, our OG bridechilla, and Meghan Ely of OFD Consulting. I'm your host, Leah Haslage. Until next time, Chillas!