This Week in News: 8/22/19
Rodge is wrangling escaped aliens from Area 51. He’ll be back someday. We hope.
RETROTONE NEWS - OPERATION
Episode 32: August 22, 2019
TITLE: This Week in News: 8/22/19
HEADLINE: Farewell Special Space Agent Bigsby
EPISODE DESCRIPTION: Rodge is wrangling escaped aliens from Area 51. He’ll be back someday. We hope.
Here is a snappy summary of the news – a weekly digest of the latest events and happenings at home and abroad. I’m your host, Rodge Bigsby and this is your Retrotone News Minute!
Greetings Mr. & Mrs. America and all the raiders in Area 51... let’s catch some Xenomorphs!
1) IN THE NEVADA DESERT
In perhaps the most-talked about internet phenomenon of the year, millions are now planning to storm Area 51 on September 20, 2019. After some fool randomly created a Facebook event called: “Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop All of Us,” the discussion and coverage has grown infinitely. Last month, the United States Air Force came out with a statement warning internet users not to attempt a raid. This week? A Nevada County has declared a state of emergency as it preps to fight off alien raiders.
Rodge’s favorite part of the whole dealio? Why...the memes! Check ‘em out on my twitter feed. For now here’s one from Burger King: “attn people storming Area 51: if they tell you to bring them to your leader, remember who's king.”
Duolingus tweeted: “So my mom said she can take us to area 51 or pick us up, but she's not doing both.”
Remember kids, if you’re storming Area 51 don’t forget your Reese’s Pieces in case your alien tries to phone home!
2) IN MILITARY HISTORY
According to The Hill, “in June, the Senate confirmed Gen. John Raymond to be the commander of Space Command. The creation of Space Command, the first new combatant command (created) since U.S. Africa Command in 2009, is part of the Trump administration's broader effort to reorganize how the U.S. military handles space.” That’s ONE way to compete with Russia and China. Alpha Centari may be light years away, but we’re everso close to launching our very own… SPAAAAACE FORRRRRRCE! (echo - Like from Space Balls)
AD 1 LINE: AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
America needs you! General John Raymond here to personally invite you to enlist in our newly formed Space Force. In a world with Area 51 raids, supernovas, black holes, and Russian bots there’s no telling what kind of forces are out there threatening this great nation. Enlist in Space Force today and become a hero for your nation and boldly go where no man has gone before. May the Space Force be with You to infinity and beyond! Live Long and Prosper.
WELCOME BACK FOLKS.
Wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE! This just in… (oh, honeybiscuits) I’ve been drafted to the Space Force. I’ve just received word from the Pentagon, a memo see… seems I am going on a top secret mission to (bleeeeeeeep) Antartica as my first stop for training, then to Area 51 in September…. I’ve been given the specific and express task to go in and (bleeeeeeeeep) capturing the rogue miscreants with whatever brute force is necessary. I have direct orders to (bleeeeeeep) squelching the Area 51 Rebellion and wrangling the (leave in the word aliens).
I’ve been given a space pack, armed with a fixed 23mm autocannon labeled: “to prevent hostile interception” and cautioned: “Do Not Operate Under the Influence of Alcohol, Drugs or 30 Minutes after you’ve eaten Burger King”. Let’s see what else is in here…. Oooooo! Freeze dried ice cream! Dip n’ Dots! …. Vacuum sealed Spaghetti and Meatballs…. A few sporks…. An operative orbital weapons systems starter pack which includes… let’s see here… and satellite communication module used to deploy nuclear warheads…. Hmmmm, maybe I should put that down… gently…. And a Sun Gun!…. Wonder what this is? (INSERT ZAP SOUND). Says here, according to the Space Preservation Treaty, can only be used if being pursued by spacecraft bogies or threats of worm hole suction. And where in the Sam Hill is my flame thrower? What the deuce Pentagon, can’t a guy throw some flames in outer space?
Well, this oughtta be a hoot, folks! I need to practice my moon walk for this galactic expedition. (Place Michael Jackson instrumental) – sadly this means Rodge will be unable to report the news for the foreseeable future. Follow my twitter feed for Space Force updates!
(Julie/Dave/Brigid) This recording has been censored by the United States Department of Defense, The Defense Intelligence Agency, Defense Logistics Agency, Defense Nuclear Facilities Safety Board, Defense Technical Information Center, Defense Threat Reduction Agency, the Nevada Gaming Commision, Sarah Palin, Russia, and for some odd reason the CEO of Burger King.
6) SIGN OFF STATEMENT (in an outer spacey, old fashioned sfx, giant echo chamber? Maybe space ship countdown and blast off when he finishes?):
And that's one for the Republic! I'm your host Rodge Bigsby and this has been news from Retrotone, a service of Evergreen Podcasts.
Until next time… keep your eyes on the Milky Way! Yoo-Ha! Hashtag, RodgeBigsby