Tired of the malarkey coming from the mainstream media?

Well that stuff's history! Modeled after Movietone newsreels of the 1930s, our beloved Rodge Bigsby cuts the baloney and gives it to you straight.

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This Week in News: 2/14/19

| S:1 E:07

Extra! Extra! V-Day Disaster and Tips for the Holiday

Valentine’s Day with no Sweetheart Candy Hearts? Ron Burgundy confused as he debuts podcast, and Twitter is as cynical as ever. Listen Up!

Retrotone News

Episode 7: February 14, 2019

TITLE: This Week in News: 2/14/19

SUBTITLE:

EPISODE DESCRIPTION: Valentine’s Day with no Sweetheart Candy Hearts? Ron Burgundy confused as he debuts podcast and Twitter is as cynical as ever. Listen Up!

STANDOUT QUOTES:


INTRO

Here is a snappy summary of the news – a weekly digest of the latest events and happenings at home and abroad. I’m your host, Rodge Bigsby and this is your Retrotone News Minute!

Good Evening Mr. & Mrs. America and all the love on Cupid’s bow. Let those arrows fly!

1) IN POP CULTURE

RON BURGUNDY LAUNCHES PODCAST

In kind of a big deal, famed newscaster Ron Burgundy, best known for his role in the Anchorman movies, launched a new podcast, called none other than “The Ron Burgundy Podcast.” Besides naming the podcast AFTER HIMSELF, Ron commits a number of atrocities in this debut. (I mean really... could you imagine if this were “It’s The Rodge Bigsby Podcast...The Rodge Bigsby Podcast” *SUNG*). This 48 minute free-for-all, commences without Ron Burgundy even noticing. What kind of newsman doesn’t know the tape’s rolling!? I remember my first broadcast (*eye roll*). After spending an excruciating 10 minutes to establish how podcasting works, Ron proceeds to prattle on… and on. The silver lining? We can all finally agree Ted Cruz IS the Zodiac Killer.

Seriously, Mr. Burgundy. You thought milk was a bad choice? Watch and learn.

2) IN BEAUTY AND THE SWEETS... CANDYLOVERS WEEPING FOR YESTERYEAR

SWEETHEARTS CANDY HEARTS ARE DOWN FOR COUNT

Dag nabbit! You can forget sharing classic candy hearts with your crush, or the love of your life, this Valentine’s Day. People Magazine reports, for the first-time in 153 years, since their storied debut in 1866, the New England Confectionery Company’s cherished conversation hearts won’t be on shelves in time for the love holiday. Last July, Necco closed the SweetHearts shop, sold their brands to the Spangler Candy Company. Since it takes Necco 11 months to produce upwards of 8 billion candy hearts, the new company kicked the can to 2020. Good luck explaining THAT to your sweetheart.



AD 1 LINE: AND NOW A WARM WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS…

Sponsor: Hershey’s Valentine’s ad?

WELCOME BACK FOLKS.

3) LET’S GET WITH THE SCIENCE OF LOVE


Ladies. Is he funny? Does he dance? Does he hold open the door… does he… read you the news? Listen...according to Dr. Diana Kirschner, author of the book, “Love in 90 Days” the secret to your book of love, is dating multiple men. Three to be clear. Wait, what!? Three may be the key to finding “the one.” As the Today show finds, “there are sound biological reasons why the Dating Program of Three (is a recipe for true love). The good doctor warns, if you move too fast down the river of love, you put yourself at risk shooting the rapids of rejection. Then comes the tossing, the turning, the outburst, the tears… (the tears (sigh)) Yes, the love machine delivers and all out calamity of brain chemistry. Perhaps this book’s “Dating Program of Three” could be your cure for love addiction in this season of insatiable pursuits.

4) NOW LET’S GET DOLLED UP FOR ANOTHER BIGSBY’S BEAT OF THE WEEK

What’s turning on Rodge’s RCA? None other than the steamy “Moonglow” from Artie Shaw and his Orchestra. This foxtrot floats down the tunnel of love on a river of violins and vermouth. And you know, it’s the perfect match for a proper Valentine’s dinner with your Lady Moonglow!

5) TWITTER RESPONDS TO V-DAY FESTIVITIES

Valentine’s Day met with mixed reviews on Twitter. For sappy romantics like Rodge, it’s been a great time to soak up those feel-good stories of true love. But many think this an over-hyped Hallmark Holiday. Some users even scoff at the celebrations in view of the day’s historical basis. Rodge’s Personal Favorite? A Meme! Depicting none other than St. Valentine himself. The caption? “Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. ...I was beaten with clubs, beheaded, buried under the cover of darkness, disinterred by my followers and now you commemorate my martyrdom by sending each other chocolates.”



6) SIGN OFF STATEMENT:

And that's one for the Republic! I'm your host Rodge Bigsby and this has been news from Retrotone, a service of Evergreen Podcasts.

Until next time… make a good day!


++


Yoo-Ha! Hashtag, RodgeBigsby.

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