Sandy, how did you discover your new family?
| S:2 E:5With at-home DNA testing kits being all the rage, folks from all over the world are discovering their genealogical roots and distant relatives– and maybe some not-so-distant relatives as well. In this week’s story, one woman discovers her mom’s secret, and some new family.
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Krista Baum:
Hi, welcome to the Storyworth Podcast. We're glad you're here. I'm your host, Krista Baum, co-founder of Storyworth. On this podcast, we feature true stories written by Storyworth writers. If you're new to Storyworth, we help people write their life stories, the big stories and the small ones.
Once a week we send our writers a question to help inspire their writing. They reply to the email with an answer or story that comes to mind. At the end of the year, we print what they've written into a beautiful keepsake book.
Every story written using Storyworth is private, but for this podcast, the writers volunteer to share their stories publicly with you.
As you've probably noticed, DNA testing kits have skyrocketed in popularity over the past decade. Folks from all over the world are discovering their genealogical roots and distant relatives, and maybe some not so distant relatives as well.
In this week's story, one woman discovers her mom's secret and some new family. Sandy Rabinowitz, today's author is here along with her two new sisters to talk about their evolving relationship.
But before we talk to them, we're going to hear Sandy's story as read by voice actress, Julia Fisher. As Sandy tells us exactly what happened when she opened her 23andMe results for her 70th birthday.
Julia Fisher:
There are some things you can be certain of in life, like the widely accepted: death, taxes, and election season TV commercials, and until recently, I would've added family to that list — the deeply rooted family tree of parents, siblings, grandparents, and other relatives who anchor you to your past.
Most people know a bit about their family history, and they might even take it for granted, but nowadays, with DNA testing kits being all the rage, there are many people out there uncovering things about themselves and their families they never imagined.
More and more of these stories are coming to light, thanks to advancing technology and curious people researching their roots, and my story is just one of them.
All my life I believed the family of four I grew up with was my flesh and blood. Children just don't question that kind of thing. It wasn't until I turned 70-years-old that my family history, the actual DNA of my identity came into question.
It all started on my 70th birthday when my son presented me with a test kit from one of those popular DNA analysis companies. I think back to that little box, so harmless looking, and yet it would be the first domino in a chain reaction, and all the knowledge I thought I possessed about myself would go flying out the window.
It took a while for me to actually unbox the kit, follow the instructions, and send it away for analysis. I wonder now if maybe somewhere in the furthest recesses of my mind I sensed I was going to discover something I might not really want to know, but my son was insistent and he was genuinely excited to get the results and learn more about our family.
So, one day, I found myself unceremoniously spitting into that DNA collection tube. I boxed it up in the mailer provided, and then off it went to the lab.
And to be honest, I really didn't think much about it after that, until one day weeks later when I noticed the message in my email inbox with those five little words, “Your DNA results are in.” The anticipation flooded over me, and I clicked the link to view my data.
There was so much to explore in the colorful graphs and info tabs displayed on my personalized profile. But what grabbed my attention first was the list of other people who had sent in their genetic samples and shared DNA with me, the top of the list.
My closest relatives in the database contained two unfamiliar names; Amy and Teddy. I barely had time to consider who they might be, when I noticed the label half-sister assigned to both of them. Impossible I thought, how can I have half-sisters? My first instinct was to process this news with all the people around me.
I told my family, I told my coworkers, and with their help, we tried to crack the case and figure out how this could be. My son was convinced it was a mistake, but it turns out with these DNA tests, mistakes are extremely rare. It was time for me to face the fact that the family story I inherited as a child was incomplete.
I mulled over this news for several weeks. It completely absorbed my thoughts. Morning, noon, and night I was retracing all the details of my childhood, sifting for clues. I couldn't decide what to do with the information, but my curiosity finally drove me to take a bold step.
One day, sitting at work, preoccupied once again, I decided to get in touch with the sisters, which is what I began to call them. I sent them both an introductory message online. I typed out simply, “Hi, my name is Sandy Rabinowitz, and my DNA results say that we are half-sisters. If you are interested in pursuing this further, here is my contact information.” I clicked send, wondering when they might actually read my messages.
Within moments, I received replies. They were both receptive and offered phone numbers with invitations to talk. I picked up the phone and dialed the first sister, Amy. It was clear she was eager to receive my call.
Here's a little background. My parents were married for 11 years before I was born, my mother worked in a men's clothing store called Witty Brothers, and it was a job she loved and always talked about. This came to mind while I was on the phone with Amy.
So, I asked her, “What is it your father did for a living?” She replied that he worked as a haberdasher. Such a fun word. For the young folks out there who aren't familiar with the term, a haberdasher is a person who works selling men's clothing. A sinking hunch came over me.
I said, “Don't tell me, he worked for Witty Brothers.” “Oh my God,” she gasped. And there was my answer. I remember saying to her, “Well, that's the nail in the coffin right there.” We spoke for a long time, and eventually, I needed to leave my office and head home.
I recall her saying she didn't want to let me go. She worried we might not speak again after that call, but I promised to phone her right back once I got home, and I did.
We picked up where we left off, talking about various family members and also grieving the decades of wasted time, not knowing the other was out there. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't very difficult to process this information, and for a long time I couldn't really come to terms with it.
On one hand, it didn't really seem to impact my sisters as much since they had always been sisters and had the same parents. The only change in their lives was me, a bonus sister.
But I sometimes felt I was out there all alone, coming to grips with the falsehood of my roots and having no one who could answer all my questions. I really felt like no one could relate to what I was going through.
Of course, now I know that there are so many of us who share that experience of unexpected DNA results in shifting family histories. But at the time, I felt so isolated.
The interesting thing about being handed a missing puzzle piece like this one is how it began to answer so many questions about my childhood. The news that my father wasn't my birth father suddenly gave me crystal clear vision.
For example, all my cousins on his side of the family were nearly identical in looks and brains, and then there was me, the odd one out.
I always felt like I didn't fit in with them, but I could never articulate why. Now, I finally know. And I get goosebumps recalling how my mother would ask me on occasion, “What would you do if your father wasn't really your father?” Growing up, I just disregarded that strange question as fitting her personality. She sometimes said things that were a bit crazy.
But it never occurred to me that her question could contain a veiled truth. After all, who would say such a thing to a teenage girl? To be honest, I never had a good relationship with my mother. She was very critical of me, and always seemed to resent the special relationship I had with my dad.
Knowing what I know now, I suppose I reminded her of the man in her earlier life who got away. My biological father wasn't married at the time of their relationship, but she was, and he later moved on and married and had my sisters.
I have so many questions, and yet the critical players in this story are long dead, and there's no one left to ask. The details are lost to time, but my sisters and I are determined not to lose more to time. I've had the chance to meet both of them on several occasions.
The first time I met Amy in a restaurant, I was able to recognize her right away. Both she and her sister, Teddy, have been to my house and have met my son, the one who helped us find each other with the gift of that DNA test kit.
I still can't believe I have two half-sisters. There's a strong physical resemblance between us and we share some fascinating similarities. We were also startled to realize we grew up only a few miles apart. To think we could have passed each other on the city sidewalk, maybe even exchanging a quick glance and never recognizing the others' face as family.
But Amy and Teddy are family now, and I hope one day soon, they'll meet my daughters and we’ll continue to make up for lost time. Our parents carried this secret, and perhaps, shame and even some heartache propelled the need for silence.
[Music Playing]
This secret almost cheated us out of the chance to know one another. But there's true healing in my relationship with my sisters. It's a feeling of openness and knowing myself more fully. It's a living, breathing reality that the truth can set people free.
Sandy Rabinowitz:
I am Sandy Rabinowitz, I'm on Long Island in New York.
Amy Benezra:
Hi, I'm Amy Benezra, sister of Theodora Benezra and now, sister of Sandy Rabinowitz.
Teddy Benezra:
I'm Teddy Benezra and I'm in Asheville, North Carolina.
Krista Baum:
Sandy, are you glad you did the test?
Sandy Rabinowitz:
I am now. I wasn't really sure at first. It was very hard for me. Amy and Teddy both, they come from a regular cohesive family with parents who were together, and they were together.
Don't forget that I did not find all of this out until four years ago. I was 70-years-old and thought that my family was who they were, which they weren't. So, yes, now, I'm very glad, but at that time, I wasn't really so sure.
Krista Baum:
You had mentioned in your story that you were close with your dad growing up, and then you find this out. Do you think he knew?
Sandy Rabinowitz:
That's something that several people have asked me. I do not think so. However, I will say that he was familiar with the type of person that my mother was. He knew that while he was in the Navy, she was probably doing whatever she should not have been doing. He was kind of aware of that.
But I don't know if he suspected or if he knew, but he never treated me as someone that he didn't love very much. And because my mother left us when I was 14 and my sister was 10, my father was really what we had.
Krista Baum:
Amy and Teddy, did you take 23andMe at the same time?
Teddy Benezra:
Yes.
Amy Benezra:
Sandy was not in the picture then.
Teddy Benezra:
No.
Amy Benezra:
We took it before.
Krista Baum:
You didn't know that there was a half-sister because it wouldn't have been in your results?
Amy Benezra:
No, exactly. And after a while, I stopped looking at who my new relatives were. They send you emails, you have new DNA relatives. I guess Sandy thought that we were aware of it, but we weren't acting on it, which wasn't the case.
We had no idea that she existed until an email came from her to us saying, “According to my DNA, I'm your half-sister.” Teddy and I got this at the same time. And of course, we called each other. What's this? We thought, oh, they mean like second cousin. It just seemed too impossible. So, I answered her right away.
Teddy Benezra:
Yeah, I answered her right away too.
Amy Benezra:
With “Are you serious?” And eventually, I mean, even the same day, I said, “Call me.”
Krista Baum:
What was your reaction? Was this as shocking for you, or did your dad ever mention that he was aware that Sandy existed?
Teddy Benezra:
That's one of the big questions I wish I could ask him.
Amy Benezra:
Exactly. It's awful that they're all gone, and we can't say, “Hey.”
Teddy Benezra:
I do wonder, did he know? The only one I'm certain knew is Sandy's mom.
Amy Benezra:
Right, I would think so. She knew she was pregnant, she knew she was having sex with Sam. They worked in the same store. I think even if she had some doubts as to whether Sandy was Sam's biological daughter or Joe's, she would've known pretty soon when my sister Teddy visited the store, if Jean was still working there.
Because Teddy and Sandy had an amazing resemblance when they were very young kids. And Jean had to have seen Teddy and thought, “Wow, I have one at home who looks just like that.”
Teddy Benezra:
Sandy's parents were married for like 10 years before she was born, and maybe her mother couldn't get pregnant, and maybe she just asked my father to do it because maybe like that. Maybe they had an agreement like that, who knows? But I don't really think that's it. Well, the thing is that it could be anything and we'll never know, and that's kind of disturbing.
Krista Baum:
When you met your half-sisters, did you feel like you fit in? Was there like some context that made you more comfortable or resemblance, or personalities or …?
Sandy Rabinowitz:
Well, I spoke to Amy first just because she's first on the list. I think I called her first and she was so warm to me, and so kind of welcoming that I felt very comfortable with her. I felt a little bit less comfortable at first with Teddy because I thought that Teddy wasn't really quite sure about me. I thought that she felt, “Who is this and what does she want?”
Teddy Benezra:
I mean, I can tell you that never even entered either of our minds. I mean, Amy and I just wanted to know, wow, what happened there. I feel that this is Sandy's story and her mother's and my father's stories, not so much my story.
Sandy Rabinowitz:
Yeah. I mean, some of this is not the most rational thing and some of it kind of makes you irrational.
Krista Baum:
Yeah. I mean, and people aren't always rational.
Sandy Rabinowitz:
Well, I know my own reaction when I found out, was very questioning everything and everyone. And although it did answer a lot of questions for me in my life growing up, I imagine that other people would have a lot of questions as well, a lot of things that they couldn't answer. But now, I really look at Amy and Teddy, and I call them the sisters because they are sisters together and now, they're sisters of mine.
Teddy Benezra:
Even when she sent me a picture, she looked really familiar to me. She just looked familiar. Where have I seen her before? So, during those couple of days that they were here, I kept looking at her and I did feel like, oh, of course, I've seen her before in the mirror which is really weird.
Krista Baum:
What a fun surprise, new siblings.
Amy Benezra:
Well, it's more complicated than that. I think siblings are made of a lot of history and we haven't had that with Sandy. That's really sad. We wouldn't have had it anyway, but it's not that quickly remedied. It's not remedied. This is what it is. We will certainly have a relationship.
Teddy and I refer to you as our sister, but it's different. It's a different kind of relative and because our lives were not so traumatized by this news, it's a very different experience for you. I can't even imagine how this was for you. It's life-changing. It's very hard to get your head around that kind of news and especially when it comes to you at age 70.
Teddy Benezra:
I have to agree with Amy. It's the people you grew up with and it's the people you were close to during those formative years, and later on in life it gets different. I mean, I have friends who I consider my family.
I think the main thing was that I really did feel that Sandy made me feel like part of her family. She puts a lot more weight on the biology than I do. My family was formed through adoption. My husband and I adopted a son, and I don't consider my son anything less than my family.
Krista Baum:
Without this technology, I mean, you wouldn't know. I mean, if you were born in five years before, you probably wouldn't have taken this test.
Sandy Rabinowitz:
Well, it was my son who bought it for me. He thought it was the best gift. He was very excited. And then when we found out the results, he thought there was a mistake, and he felt a little bit guilty that he had done that to me. But I think everyone is good with it now.
Amy Benezra:
I think they now sell those with caveats. They warn you that there may be something that is disturbing. “Before you take this test, you might be aware that you might learn something that you weren't expecting,” which early on there weren't those caveats. Everyone was just really interested in looking at their genetic makeup.
Krista Baum:
Sandy, how did you get involved with Storyworth?
Sandy Rabinowitz:
This is my son, once again. My son gave it to me for a gift.
Krista Baum:
Alright.
Amy Benezra:
Before or after?
Sandy Rabinowitz:
Of course, everybody in my family knows that I've been trying to write my own story for years now, and even before I knew it was this interesting.
But my own family has always known, and the people I work with have always known that I've been trying to write my own story and get my story put into a play or a book, or some kind of thing forever, for years.
And like I said before, I knew it was this interesting. So, the Storyworth has been for me, the first step in being able to do that. And yeah, and Michael just knows what to get me.
Amy Benezra:
He does.
Krista Baum:
Well, it has been a pleasure talking to you three sisters, and I am really excited to see kind of what you make of this new addition to your family. Of all of the presents you could have gotten like a secondary present, it's the opportunity to have new people in your life and understand kind of more about who you are. So, I wish you well, thanks for sharing it with us.
[Music Playing]
Sandy Rabinowitz:
Our pleasure as well.
Teddy Benezra:
Definitely.
[Music Playing]
Krista Baum:
Thanks for joining us today. If you want to get started writing your life stories or want to give the gift of Storyworth to a loved one, head over to storyworth.com. And if you'd like one of your stories to be considered for the podcast, go to storyworth.com/podcast.
In our next episode …
Doug Bailey:
Now, I had little experience with alcohol. I'd been tipsy before, but I considered myself a lightweight when it came to drinking. But there were plenty of reasons to celebrate on that particular night. Who knew what was lurking ahead in the year 2000?
Krista Baum:
Partying like it's 1999, in the shadow of a messy divorce and on the cusp of a global technological disaster.
Storyworth is a production of Evergreen Podcasts, hosted by me, Krista Baum, and produced by Hannah Rae Leach. We get production help from Jill Granberg, and our mix engineer is Sean Rule-Hoffman.
We'll see you next time.
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